Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that it takes effort to keep the passion alive in your relationship. When we first get into a relationship and fall in love just about everything our partner does is a turn on. We can’t wait to be in their arms again. As you get to know each other you find out your likes and dislikes. Of course you want to please your partner so you do the things that they like (as long as you are comfortable with it). Over time what was exciting and novel, now becomes commonplace. You end up in a routine and it is no longer exciting.

You might even think that something is wrong with your relationship, as it is not as passionate as it used to be. Do not worry, this happens to everyone. I once heard that if you put a penny in a jar each time you had sex the first year of your marriage, then take one out each time you have sex the second year, you would never get all of the penny’s out. The good news is there are plenty of things you can do to keep the passion alive according to the Gottman Institute.

How to keep the passion alive

Emotional intimacy

Being able to talk to your partner about your wants and desires is important to building emotional intimacy. Some people are afraid to be vulnerable in their relationship for fear of being weak. However if you take the risk (and hopefully your partner makes it safe), it will create emotional intimacy in your relationship. If your partner is vulnerable be sure to be open and receptive vs. critical. If you are critical it will close off your partner.

Change who initiates

It’s easy to get into a pattern as to who initiates sex. It varies tremendously from 1 relationship to another. Some people are not comfortable initiating at all. Perhaps they are not comfortable with it for one reason or another, or perhaps they have been rejected so many times they no longer want to. In other couples it may be about equal when it comes to initiation, and in others one person is more likely to initiate as their sex drive is higher. Remember too that no two people are exactly the same when it comes to sex drive. It’s all about how you negotiate what you are comfortable with.

Increase non-sexual touching

There are many ways to show physical touch such as hand holding, putting your arm around your partner, rubbing their shoulders, putting your hand on their leg etc. These acts of intimacy are reminders that you are desired. Doing so will release oxytocin which is our bonding hormone. Holding hands etc. also helps decrease stress.

Let tension build to increase passion

The anticipation of what will come is very exciting. Whether you let your partner know what you’d like to do later or longer foreplay. Anything we have to wait for is more exciting.

Time together

It is important to work on the basic friendship of your relationship. This makes you feel safe with each other.  Have a date night and avoid talking about all the mundane things that go on, such as logistics, the kids, work etc. This can all increase stress. We want you to have fun and be relaxed.

Be vulnerable during sex

Talk to your partner. Let them know what you like and dislike. Never criticize your partner for what they are doing. Use positive reinforcement and let them know the things that you do like. No one knows your body like you do. Let the other person know if you want something softer, harder, and exactly where and how to touch you. Remember, your partner wants to please you.

Try new things to keep the passion alive

Perhaps you have some sort of fantasy. Ask your partner if they are willing to do whatever that is. They may or may not be comfortable with it. Or perhaps they will be open to some of it, just not all of it. You may want to vary the room you are in when you are intimate.

Typically at the beginning of a relationship you have sex in different rooms, on the couch, the floor, the table, wherever. Then after awhile you just end up in the bedroom. Remember novelty is the key to excitement.

Making sex a priority in your relationship is important. Remember that is something special we do with our partner that we don’t do with anyone else (unless you have negotiated sex differently). Some couples just get out of the habit of doing so. If passion or intimacy is something you struggle with, therapy can help. Just give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie