Couples Communication Styles
One of the biggest reasons couples come in for counseling is that they are having trouble communicating. Often times neither partner feels heard, understood or respected. Most of us learned how to resolve conflict through our parents. Many times our parents were not the best role models.
It is important to look at personality styles when addressing conflict. A common dynamic is that one person (Partner 1) wants to resolve the conflict as it arises. This helps him or her to reduce their anxiety. Discuss it so it can be done and over with, and then move on. The other partner (Partner 2) may not be wired the same way. Partner 2 may be more of a processer. This means that they want to think about what the person said, and take time to formulate their response. He or she will not want to resolve the conflict right then and there as they are too anxious and need time to think. The more Partner 1 pushes, the more Partner 2 may be quiet or appear to shut down. This may infuriate Partner 1 as he or she may feel ignored. Which is not true at all.
Couples assume that their partner thinks and communicates just like they do. This gets people in trouble. If this sounds like a common dynamic that is occurring in your relationship, don’t despair. There are many tools that I can teach you to communicate effectively. Remember, your partner cannot read your mind, no matter how long you have been together.
When a couple arrives for therapy, the first thing I do is give each person a chance to share their side of the conflict. It helps to have a neutral party to help understand the dynamics that are occurring, which is difficult to see if you are in the middle of it. I then try to determine if one person tends to shut down or walk away from conflict. I can teach you how to prevent your partner from shutting down, so you can be heard. I give couples a blueprint for how to resolve conflict. We then practice it in session to be sure each person understands it, and I can give a little coaching if need be. I teach couples how to communicate in a way where both feel heard, understood and respected. Also remember that it takes two to have conflict. This means that you are playing a piece in it too. What aspect do you contribute to the conflict? Once you know this you can change the way you communicate. Remember, the tools you learn can be used in any relationship with friends, family, or co-workers.
If you feel your relationship can use a tune up and would like to learn some communication skills, please give me a call at 713-304-6554, or e mail me at [email protected].
Happy relating,
Debbie
