The holidays are coming up. Many people look forward to being with family and friends. However, there are some people who dread them due to difficult family dynamics. Of course my hope is that you have a well-adjusted family and will enjoy the time with them. For those of you who are ambivalent or dreading being with family, here are some things you might find helpful.
Family dynamics and surviving the holidays
Set realistic expectations
We all want to have that amazing family get together over the holidays. You may have this perfect vision in your head of what that might look like. However, typically things don’t go exactly as planned. Perhaps someone gets sick, the oven breaks, or someone brings up a taboo topic. If you expect that things will be good enough, and not perfect, you will enjoy yourself a lot more.
Family of origin dynamics
No matter how old we are, or how we vow not to repeat the same patterns from childhood, it is difficult to stay out of those old roles. Even though you might be a parent and have your own child, when you go back to your parent’s house, you are the child. Many families continue to bring up past things we have done that are embarrassing.
For instance, allegedly when I was 5 I would cheat at Candyland, or throw the board in the air if I was losing. Hopefully as an adult I have matured and don’t engage in those types of behaviors. In the grand scheme of things it’s fairly innocuous, and it’s better to just laugh it off, go with the flow, and then on to the next topic.
Pick and choose your battles
The story about Candyland is a battle I choose not to have. It’s something that if I get defensive about it will just bring more teasing. However, if it were something that was very hurtful or embarrassing, I would have a different response. I may choose to say something in the moment, or if it’s something that has been brought up in the past, I might forewarn the person prior to the holiday.
If this happens to you, you can let the person know it hurts your feelings or embarrasses you and ask them not to bring it up this holiday. Perhaps they thought it was all in good fun and didn’t know that it would hurt you. Hopefully they will respect your boundaries moving forward.
Limit interaction with people who annoy you or are rude to you
No one says you have to have long conversations with that person or sit next to him or her during a meal. You can be cordial and say hello. If they try to engage in a conversation you want to avoid, try to redirect it. Tell them they look nice, or comment on the holiday decorations. Another option is to tell them you need to use the restroom. Then do your best to stay away from them.
Seek out people whose company you enjoy
You know who your favorite people are. Those are the ones who you feel safe and at ease with. Conversations just flow naturally and you feel loved and cared for. By focusing on the warmer people, it will be easier to ignore the ones who don’t treat you the way you want.
Set boundaries with family dynamics
Perhaps you need to set some boundaries prior to the event.
First of all, remember that boundaries are to take care of you, not make other people happy. So you get to decide what they are. You may need to let them know what is OK or not OK for conversations. For instance politics is not a good choice if you have a larger group or know that opinions differ. If this comes up you can choose to leave the conversation, or the whole event.
You can let the hostess know that you will stay a certain length of time. You can always have another engagement at a specific time. The person doesn’t need to know that it is to watch Netflix on your couch. Or perhaps you just like to go to bed on the earlier side.
Stay at a different location
Maybe you have stayed at the family members house in the past. Guess what, if it’s a miserable experience, you don’t have to repeat it. Some people fear that they will hurt their parents or relative’s feelings if they don’t stay there. That is OK; it is not worth sacrificing your mental health to make someone else happy.
This way you can take a break whenever you need. You can regroup and practice self-care. Let’s face it, we all know someone who we can only deal with in small doses.
Self care
If you think the holidays will be challenging, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Would it help to do some form of exercise before the gathering? Maybe doing some meditation or practicing gratitude will get you in the right headspace.
Another option that may be helpful is to have a support person. That would be a family member who knows about the difficult dynamic. If they see you talking with that challenging person, they can come join the conversation to ease the tension.
Stay calm
Of course this may be easier said than done. Most of us don’t feel very good about ourselves after having a blowup with a family member. If you feel like you need to respond, wait until later or the next day when you have calmed down. Your point will be better taken and you have a chance of being heard and understood. At the least, you will walk away with your integrity intact.
Take a break from family dynamics
If people are getting under your skin or have upset you, leave the room or take a walk. Getting some fresh air may help you gain perspective. Perhaps the person didn’t mean to hurt you, or they are going through something themselves.
Remember, it is important that you don’t let unhealthy family dynamics get the best of you. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to make someone happy. If you need extra help or support, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
