As a parent, you may compare yourself to others and feel that you come up short. There is this notion that you need to be a super-parent and do it all. You notice that your friends spend more time with their children, do better crafts than you, eat more nutritious meals, etc. These perfect parents are splattered all over social media. Everywhere you look, someone is doing more than you. It seems like it is impossible to keep up.

I’m here to tell you that it is not realistic to be a perfect parent. We are human and can only do so much. We have different priorities and time constraints. Expecting to be a super-parent is a recipe for failure. Instead, why not strive to be a good enough parent?

While in graduate school I learned about a pediatrician and psychoanalyst by the name of Donald Winnicott. He came up with the term ‘good enough mother.’ When I read about it, I was relieved. My guess is that you are a good enough parent in that you nurture your children, give them a loving home, provide a roof over their head and feed them. By not being perfect, you give them a chance to learn how to handle the frustrations of the real world.

Characteristics of a good enough parent

Being there

This is about being present in your child’s life. It does not mean you are there 100% of the time. No parent can. But it does mean that your child feels that you engage and connect with them when you are together. Your child feels safe with you, feels seen and heard. They know that you will be there for them when they really need you.

Be consistent and flexible

This is about setting boundaries. Children need and want them even though they may balk. Boundaries make them feel safe. They know the rules and what to expect.

However we recognize that it is OK to bend the rules at times. For instance if we have guests over or are on vacation, bedtime might be later. Or if it’s Halloween you allow your child more candy that you normally would.

Allow your child to grow

Good enough parents allow their child to be independent and grow. They need to make mistakes and learn from them. As they struggle, they learn how to correct these mistakes and become resilient. These are basic life skills. Then they also learn that you are a safe place to fall.

If you are a helicopter parent and prevent them from failing, you basically clip their wings. They don’t know how to handle their mistakes or learn from them. However, as a good enough parent you can’t be there for them 24/7 and they will make some mistakes.

In addition as they see that you are not perfect, they will learn that it is OK not to be.

Model how to handle difficult emotions

We all know that life is challenging. Your children are like little sponges. They see and hear what is in front of them. That being said, you are the ones who model how to handle various situations.

We all have negative emotions, but how we express them makes a huge difference. If our children see us explode when we get really frustrated or angry, then they will do the same in similar situations. We can share our emotions and explain why we are upset. Again as imperfect parents we can apologize if we overreact and share what we will do next time. Thus we are modeling how to repair our mistakes in a healthy manner. In addition, it normalizes various emotions that we will have.

A good enough parent practices self-care

Some people might think self-care is selfish. However, we can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves. We don’t want to teach our kids that you have to drive yourself into the ground and that there is no time for fun.

Teach your kids life balance, which means nurturing your self too. That can mean many different things, such as spending time with friends, exercise, hobbies, alone time, date night, or engaging in sports.

Connection and communication

A good enough parent provides a safe place for your child to communicate. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be difficult conversations, because those occur in any relationship.

By being there and providing the support they need, they will feel more connected to you. In addition, your child will feel they have value, which fosters their well-being.

A good enough parent lets go of judgment and comparison

Comparing yourself to others will rob you of your joy. Nobody knows what it is like to walk in your shoes. Your situation is unique. What works best for one family may not work best for another.

Just know that you are doing your best with the information that you have at this time. In the future you may learn more and realize that what you did may not be the best. That is OK, we want to model that we too will make mistakes and get things wrong. Our imperfections can actually bring our children closer to us.

Just remember, there are an infinite number of ways to be a good enough parent. If you are struggling in this area, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie