Did you know that anxious people can appear rude? Do you know someone who is often late, or cancels plans last minute? Perhaps you felt this person was flaky or unreliable. You might consider these people rude. It’s easy to have the thought that my time is just as valuable as theirs. Or I’m sitting here waiting for you, as if I don’t have anything better to do. It may be difficult to have some compassion for someone who does this all the time. However, there can be an explanation that makes more sense.

Did you ever consider that this person might struggle with anxiety? For some, it stops them in their tracks. They are paralyzed with fear about the event. They may be battling the pros and cons of going to the event in their head and get overwhelmed. If you have never struggled with anxiety, it can be difficult to understand.

Things that anxious people might do

Fear leaving home

Many anxious people feel safest in their own home. Thus they might cancel their plans last minute. I’ve had clients who couldn’t come to the office because they were afraid to come in. Or they may have been able to leave home, but sat in their car battling what to do. With the age of teletherapy here, I’ve have clients who are too anxious to do a session virtually. They don’t like seeing themselves on the screen (even though they can hide the thumbnail with a post-it note).

Have anxiety about the way they look

Perhaps they are anxious about the way they look, so they try on various outfits and nothing seems right. This may also hold true with someone with body image issues. Maybe they feel their appearance is flawed so they have to get their makeup just right, or wear that outfit that hides that perceived flaw. The person might feel fat and think nothing looks good on them, so they stay home.

Anxious people fear being judged

Many anxious people have a fear of being judged. Maybe they don’t feel like they fit in, or fear that people think they are weird, or boring. The person may think that people really don’t want them there. If they have a perceived flaw they might think people are staring at it, or talking about it behind the person’s back. Again this time spent in their head may lead them to be late or not come at all.

Feel awkward

This is something else anxious people often feel. They look at everyone else and think that others are comfortable in the social situation. It doesn’t cross their mind that people often feel awkward in social situations. Perhaps you don’t know very many people, or you find yourself alone with no one to talk to, and don’t know what to do.

A person’s self talk can be very powerful, even though there is no proof that their fears are true. This fear can prevent someone from going to an event and not tell anyone. Most people who are anxious don’t want to talk about it as it’s too uncomfortable. A great book for those who feel this way is Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome.

They don’t respond to your messages

It’s easy to interpret it as being rude if someone doesn’t respond to your calls, texts or emails. For some people with severe anxiety this can be overwhelming. It’s something that most of us do on a regular basis and can’t even fathom that someone might struggle with it. I’ve had clients who didn’t want anything they wrote to be seen for fear it will be judged. Or the person spends hours on a response that many others would send out without a second thought.

Don’t make eye contact

Anxious people may not maintain eye contact. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person isn’t interested in what you have to say. Eye contact may be intimidating to them, or they don’t want to be the center of attention. It’s easier and more comfortable to look away. This can also be due to lack of confidence.

Anxious people stay quiet

Some anxious people may stay quiet. This can be interpreted as rude too. But the person may feel that what they have to say is stupid, or they have nothing to add to the conversation, so they say nothing. They may be more comfortable as observers.

I’ve had clients write ideas for conversation starters and put them in their pocket. That way they can go in to the restroom and review their list if they forget.

If anxiety is something you struggle with, there are many tools I can teach you. Anxiety is the number one people come to therapy. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get you set up for an appointment.

Take care,

Debbie