Common Relationship Pitfalls

Are you struggling in your relationship? Perhaps you notice certain patterns when you argue. Maybe you feel that you are clear in expressing yourself, but your partner misinterprets you words. When couples come in to therapy there seems to be some common relationship pitfalls. Just know that if you see some of the ones below, you are not alone.

Turtle vs. Hailstorm

This term comes from Drs. Hendrix and Hunt who are the founders of Imago therapy. This is probably the most common of the relationship pitfalls that I notice when couples come in for therapy. See if this sounds familiar.

Hailstorm

When there is conflict, this is the person that wants to talk it out right away. Doing so will reduce your level of anxiety. If you don’t talk it out in the moment, you feel it won’t be resolved. You just can’t keep it in and need to get it off your chest. You are hailing all over your partner.

Turtle

If you are the turtle, you notice your partner hailing on you and just like a turtle, you pull into your shell. You shut down. The fear may be that you don’t know how to respond. You may need time to process things to figure it out. If we were to take your heart rate it would be sky high. You won’t come out of your shell until it is safe.

Resolution

If you are the hailstorm it is important to recognize that your partner has shut down. You may think your partner doesn’t care about you. This is not true. Do not do what your impulses tell you. That is don’t keep hailing harder. This will make it even more unsafe for your partner to talk to you. If you push and push, your turtle will turn into a snapping turtle and you won’t be happy with the response.

If you are the turtle, let your partner know that you need a certain amount of time to think and process. For example, let them know that you need 30 minutes to think and you will get back to him or her. This will help calm down the hailstorm as he or she knows you will come back to it to discuss it. It will also let the hailer know that you care and want to work it out.

Introvert/Extravert

This is another one of the common relationship pitfalls. Often time the introvert and extravert will match up.

Extravert

Think about it. One of you likes to go out more and be social. If you are the extravert your batteries get recharged being around others.

Introvert

On the flip side if you are the introvert, you recharge your batteries by staying at home and relaxing or having alone time. This can cause conflict as one person may want to go out more than the other.

Resolution

This is a dynamic that needs to be negotiated. Perhaps you only go out once on a weekend. Or perhaps the extravert can spend a little time with their friends. Maybe spending time alone together will help. There are many ways to negotiate this, those are just a few.

Differences in sexual desire

Often times people have differences in sex drive. This is another of the relationship pitfalls. The person with the higher sex drive might feel that their partner is not attracted to him or her. Of course, this may not be true at all.

Resolution

Sometimes the person with the higher sex drive is upset that their partner doesn’t initiate sex. Perhaps they would if you gave them enough time. You may try to wait a little longer and see what happens.

Also, there could be something going on in your relationship that is leading to a decrease in the other person’s sex drive. Often times one person is not interested in sex if they are not feeling safe emotionally. If you had a fight in the morning, that person may not want to be intimate in the evening as their feelings are hurt.

There could also be medical reasons, or medications that are impacting sex drive. So you may also want to consider being checked out by a medical doctor.

Affection

People also can differ in the level of affection they show. One person may want to hold hands, be snuggled up, or be touching the other person. Sometimes the other person doesn’t desire as much physical touch. It may feel overwhelming to them. Often times this comes from our family of origin. Did your family show a lot of affection, hug and kiss a lot or say, “I love you,” on a regular basis? If so, you are more likely to be the same way. Perhaps you are with someone whose family showed very little affection. I’ve had people say that their parents didn’t say, “I love you,” but they know they were loved. However, they didn’t hear the words or have the physical touch.

Resolution

Again, this is something to be negotiated between the two of you. There is no right or wrong, it’s whatever works for you. Perhaps the person who doesn’t show a lot of affection can increase their physical touch or loving words at home vs. in public. If you are the one who craves more touch, perhaps you can share one thing that would be most meaningful to you. Is it the physical touch, or hearing, “I love you,” more often?

These are just a few of the common relationship pitfalls that bring couples into counseling. If you are struggling with one of these, and need some help negotiating the issue, please give me a call at 713-304-6554. It often helps to talk to someone who isn’t emotionally involved in the situation, or just provide a safe space to talk about different topics.

Take care,

Debbie