While the holidays with family can be wonderful, they can also be very challenging. Some have a toxic family that is filled with chaos, especially when you get certain people together. Maybe you are the one who is the scapegoat or the butt of jokes. While some people may just laugh it off, it can be hurtful if you are on the receiving end. Here are some tips on how to deal with a toxic family over the holidays.
Set boundaries
This is the best way to protect yourself and any toxic family dynamics that might arise. Remember, your boundaries are to protect you, not make other people happy. Guess what? You can set whatever boundary you’d like. You know what you are uncomfortable with. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. They may tell you that you are too sensitive, or try to gaslight you. Just because they say it’s true, doesn’t mean that it is.
Stay away from toxic family members
Is there someone who just makes you feel bad about yourself when you are around them? Maybe someone makes fun of you, or puts you down. Some people like to argue, cause chaos, or push your buttons.
These are the people to totally avoid, or just say hello to and move on. You can always go to the restroom or get more food as an easy way to escape. If it gets bad enough, you can always leave. You don’t have to sit there and take any abuse.
Stay home or spend it with friends
If you are dreading a gathering, perhaps it’s better to stay home or spend time with friends. If there are some family members you’d like to be around, perhaps you’d prefer some one on one time with them.
Since we are in the middle of a pandemic, you can always cite health concerns as a reason to stay home.
Respect peoples boundaries regarding COVID
The health experts recommend having small gatherings with the people you live with or people who quarantine. We all know that people have very different feelings about these guidelines. It is important to respect boundaries. If you feel it is safest for you to stay home, then do so. If you are not concerned about it or have already had COVID, then it’s important to respect the boundaries of those who have concerns.
Don’t discuss politics
We know our country is divided. Perhaps your family all has the same belief system. If you are with several people there is a good change that someone’s views are different than your own. Bringing up politics may turn your warm holiday gathering into a war zone. Avoiding the topic is most likely the safest avenue to go.
Don’t engage in conflict
Some people enjoy starting conflict because it’s what they are used to. Others might like to push buttons just to see if they can get a rise out of someone.
Guess what. It takes two to have conflict. You don’t have to engage with the other person that has said something to upset you. It’s OK to let them know you don’t want to discuss the topic, or you can just walk away. Don’t let their taunts get to you, as that is the hook they use to get you to engage with them.
Don’t drink too much
We all know that it is much easier to say something we might regret if we drink too much. Perhaps we will engage in the conflict more easily than if we are sober. Remember, the only person you can control is yourself. We cannot control what others do or say.
Meditate prior to the event
Doing so will help you get in the best available head space. Perhaps there is some other relaxation technique that works for you. You can also go in another room or restroom and do a little meditation if things get rough. There are some great apps out there for meditation such as Headspace, Insight Timer and Calm. These are great tools to practice on a regular basis.
These are just a few ideas on how you can spend time with a toxic family, and take care of yourself too. I know these things are all easier said than done, as family dynamics are very difficult to change. People don’t like it when you change things. Remember, they don’t have to like it or approve of it. This is something you are doing to take care of yourself. You will feel better about yourself if you do so.
Take care and happy holidays!
Debbie
