Are you feeling guilt or shame about something in particular? Have you hurt someone, did something you shouldn’t have or didn’t do something you should have? Don’t worry you are not alone. We have all done this. None of us is perfect.

And it is not a bad thing. These mistakes allow space for personal growth. We wouldn’t grow or change if something painful did not occur. Guilt can also serve as a motivator to be a better person in the future. It is humbling, which is good for all of us.

Shame and Guilt Defined

You may wonder what the difference is between shame and guilt. Guilt is feeling bad for a specific act. For instance if you told someone you’d do something and didn’t do it, you may feel guilty. For example- I didn’t clean the kitchen. On the other hand, shame is saying that you are bad, not that you did something bad.

Now if you are ruminating about this and it as been with you a long time, then maybe it’s time for some help. Here are some suggestions how to ease up on your shame and guilt.

How to Ease Shame and Guilt

Self-exploration

This came from a website called Between Sessions.

First, write down something or some things that lead you to feel guilt or shame. Be specific including details about your age, who was present, what occurred, and the outcome.

Second, ask yourself what you could have done differently. Then ask yourself,
what did this experience teach me?

Third did you say you were sorry if someone was hurt in the situation? If you did, why did you say you were sorry? If you did not say you were sorry, why not?

Fourth ask yourself if you have closure around the situation with regards to yourself as well as the other person.

Fifth ask if you are being unreasonably hard on yourself with the situation. Did you intend to harm this person, or was it an accident?

Sixth, is there something you can do to forgive yourself? Have you done any research on forgiveness or self-compassion?

Next is there any good reason to hang on to the shame or guilt? What are the benefits?

Finally ask yourself what is bad about hanging on to these feelings?

There are many resources out there for working on these feelings.

Brene Brown

Brene Brown‘s, the Gift of Imperfection is a wonderful book. She has also many other books and YouTube videos on the topic, as she is the guru of guilt and shame.

Loving Kindness Meditation

You can go online and download or listen a loving kindness meditation. Or you can do your own. Typically it starts with the words, “May I.” Some examples might be: May I be free from pain, may I accept myself warts and all, may I be free, may I be safe, may I be happy, etc. Then close your eyes and gently repeat these phrases.

If you find this to be difficult, here is another option. Think of someone you love. If this person were struggling with the same thing you are, what would you say to that person? My guess is that there would be several things you’d say to help them ease their suffering. Now take these same phrases for your loved one and say them to yourself. Yes, you can ease your own suffering.

Another option is to write down some nice things about yourself. What are some of your good qualities? Example, are you kind to others? Perhaps you are a good friend or listener, or compassionate to others. Maybe you are nice to people or enjoy doing nice things for others. Keep this list in your phone. Then when you are feeling bad about yourself, look at this list to remind you of your wonderful characteristics.

Insight Timer App

This is a wonderful app for all kinds of meditations on a myriad of topics. Click on meditate, then guided. When you do so you can choose the length of time you want to meditate, and the type of meditation you’d like. The topics range from stress, anxiety, sleep, and depression, to gratitude and loving kindness.

Mindful Self-Compassion

Mindfulness is about being present and in the moment. When are truly present there is no space for punishment or negativity. Mindful self-compassion is about treating yourself with care and kindness, without judgment. These feelings are universal and you are not alone in your suffering. It involves soothing and comforting yourself. If you go online you can find several mindful self-compassion exercises to try.

These are some tips on how to reduce your shame and guilt. There are many other resources on these topics.

If letting go of some of these feelings is difficult for you, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get you on a better path.

Take care,

Debbie