Someone may have power and control over you, and you don’t even know it. In addition, many people think that if someone is going to suffer abuse in a relationship, it is the woman. Men also suffer from abuse, but may be more likely to do so in silence, due to the shame they feel. Abuse can be emotional, physical or sexual.
It’s interesting too, as I was going over the Power and Control Wheel with a client who happens to be male. The writing on the wheel is all written about how he controls her. It is not written in gender neutral wording. This Power and Control Wheel is a product of the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, which will be the basis of this blog.
Even if a physical assault only happens once, there is always the possibility and fear of a future attack. This fear is used to control the partner. It is easier to tell if a physical or sexual threat has occurred. However, you may be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally or verbally abusive.
Below are 8 signs that someone is using their power and control over you.
Emotional abuse
With emotional abuse, someone insults you or makes you feel bad about yourself. They may call you names like stupid and idiot. It may be that it’s so common in your relationship that you don’t even realize that this constitutes abuse. The abuser may make you think it’s you and that you are going crazy. Perhaps he or she humiliates you or makes you feel guilty about something.
Isolation
You make think that it is sweet that your partner wants to spend so much time with you. However if they start isolating you from your friends and family, then this is a sign of control. He or she may want to know whom you see, talk to, what you are reading, every single place you go. The person uses jealousy as a way to justify limiting who you spend time with. Or perhaps they blame others for causing problems in your relationship.
Minimizing, accusing or denying
This occurs when you mention the abuse. They don’t take you seriously and think you are making a big deal about nothing. He or she may say it didn’t happen, or that you were at fault for it occurring.
Using children
Your partner may make you feel guilty about your kids, or use the kids to relay information. Perhaps he or she gives you a hard time when it comes time to visit the kids if you are no longer together. There can be a threat that your partner will keep the kids away from you.
Economic abuse
Perhaps your partner prevents you from working or makes if difficult for you to keep a job. He or she may control the money and make you ask for it, or give a minimal allowance. Maybe your partner takes your money, or prevents you from having access to the bank accounts.
Male privilege
Treating your partner like a maid or servant. Making all the major decisions in the household or acting like you are the boss. This person may define strict and rigid gender roles.
Coercion and threats
Threatening to harm you, or harming you. Saying you will leave, or kill yourself. Forcing the person to drop charges if they have put in a police report. The person may make you do things that are illegal.
Intimidation
Causing someone to be afraid of you by the looks you give them or the actions you engage in. Throwing things, destroying property, harming pets, or showing your weapons.
If your partner engages in any of the things, you are in an abusive or controlling relationship. Then after an abusive outburst, the person may apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness. He or she probably knows exactly how to get you back. You may then go through a honeymoon phase where your partner is so good to you. He or she swears it will never happen again. Guess what? The pressure eventually mounts, and there is another explosive episode.
Hopefully this information is helpful for you. Or perhaps you may want to share it with a friend or loved one. No one deserves to be under someone else’s power and control. Please call me at 713-304-6554 if you struggle with power and control in your relationship.
Take care,
Debbie
