The emotional connection in a relationship is critical. The connection is what binds you together. Typically when people meet their partner, one thing they say is that it was so easy to talk to each other. They could talk for hours and hours. This connection helps you fall in love. After years of being together, it is so easy to get involved in your own life, career or with children. Whereas you used to talk for hours, there is very little talk and connection. The main topic of discussion becomes family/life logistics.

If this emotional connection is no longer occurring, your relationship is vulnerable to an affair. Often times this is what will draw people into couples counseling. What happens is that one partner meets someone else who is emotionally there for them, listens to them, and makes them feel like the most important person in the world. The good news is that you can get back to connecting. What had once been so easy, now is work. Some of the ideas below come from Julie Menanno, a marriage and family therapist.

How to improve your emotional connection:

Don’t ask them how they feel

This may be overwhelming for your partner. If he or she isn’t in touch with their feelings, they may not know how to answer the question. Your partner may feel as if he or she should be able to answer the question. As a result they might be put on the defensive, which is the exact opposite of what you want.

Reflect back what they are saying and listen

When the person does share, say back to them what you heard them say (or the gist of it). Then ask if you have it right and understand correctly. If they say no, ask more questions so you can better understand. This will help your partner feel heard.

Validate their feelings

I cannot express the importance of validation. This makes all the difference in the world, in feeling understood. It is so easy to invalidate another person’s experience, especially telling someone they shouldn’t feel that way. An easy way to validate their feelings is to tell that it makes sense that they could feel that way, and why it does, from what you know about them. It is important to remember that your partner’s feelings are different than yours, and just became you feel a certain way does not mean that your partner will feel that way too.

What do the facts mean?

When someone is sharing a story or situation, if it is not making sense to you, or you don’t understand why it bothered the other person, ask him or her what it meant to them. We all make assumptions about the meaning of something that may or may not be true. For example if you ask your partner to do a chore, and they don’t do it, you may assume that they just don’t care about you. This may be the furthest from the truth, as we don’t know why they didn’t do it. There could be a dozen reasons why. Asking this question will help us to better understand our partner.

Look at body language

People give us cues all the time as to how they are feelings without using words. People who are anxious may be fidgety. Those who may not feel good about themself may avoid eye contact. Someone who is opening and closing his or her fists is probably angry.

Pay attention to your feelings for emotional connection

Often times we can get a sense about what the other person is feeling, perhaps by the tone in their voice or the look on their face. I’ve heard many anxious people say that they have radar for anxiety. They can sense it in others. Instead of asking them how they are feeling, let them know that you are getting a sense of their feelings. You may be wrong about this or right. You can say to them, “I get a sense that you are feeling anxious,” (or whatever emotion you think it might be). If they aren’t the will let you know. This might give them a lifeline to expressing themselves.

Get curious

We all come to our feelings based on what the world has taught us, and this is different for everyone. Ask about their past experiences, how they handled it and how they felt afterwards. Maybe it wasn’t safe to express emotions growing up. Perhaps they did at one time and someone made fun of them, so they no longer felt safe doing so.

Change in emotional connection won’t happen overnight

Remember that your partner or relationship didn’t get this way overnight, and won’t change overnight. Over time, if you are patient and gentle, your partner will start opening up to you. These ideas are just a way to help to get to know your partner more intimately and improve upon that connection.

If emotional connection is something you struggle with in your relationship, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie