Are you struggling with communication in your relationship? If so, you are not alone. Couples communication is one of the main reason couples come in to counseling. Often time’s couples find themselves gridlocked in the same pattern over and over again. The good news is there are many tools I can teach you to help you break free from those unhelpful patterns.

One thing that is important to realize is that when we are engaged in conflict with our partner we each play a part. So the first thing I’d recommend (as difficult as this may seem), is to look at your part. What part you play in the maintenance of the pattern? It only takes one to change the pattern with couples communication. Many couple’s think if only he or she would change, do this, or do that, everything would be better. Guess what. You can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself. It is also much easier to blame someone else than to look at yourself.

Tips on couples communication

John Gotmman PhD has a wonderful model for couples communication, and how to resolve conflict. He does so in a way that allows each of you to feel heard, understood and respected. Gottman recommends that one person is the speaker and one person is the listener. It is actually more difficult to be the listener. When you are the listener, it is your job to keep your feelings about the situation aside. Your job is to be there to listen to their perspective about the conflict.

Role of the speaker

You want to start with an ‘I’ statement. Any idea what happens if you start with the word ‘you’? You put the other person on the defensive. Realistically, you want your partner to be open and curious. So be sure to start your conversation with an ‘I’ statement.

Second state the feeling that came up when they did whatever it was that bothered you. Remember to use a feeling word, not an explanation or your thoughts.

Finally, state your positive need. Behind every complaint is a positive need that is not being met.

An example of speaker’s role

Let’s say my husband tells me he will be home at 8 pm and he doesn’t arrive until 10. At first I might worry about him and wonder if he is OK. Then over time I might think he is being inconsiderate and become angry. When he gets home, I can ask him where the h*** he has been. Or if I were to use the Gottman method, I might say, “I was really worried about you. You told me you would be home at 8:00 and here it is 10:00. I just needed to know you were safe. So if we were to dissect this step by step it would be:

I (started my sentence with the word I)

Was worried (my feeling)

You said you would be home at 8 and here it is 10 (the situation that bothered me)

I just needed to know you were safe (my positive need)

Role of the listener

Your partner has just shared with you his or her concerns.

First you want to repeat back what your partner just told you. Then check in to be sure that you got it right. If you left something out, it is your partner’s job to correct you or let you know the missing pieces.

Second you want to validate your partner’s feelings. You can start with something like….” It makes sense that you would feel that way because….” Obviously you don’t know exactly why. But think about what you know about your partner and why it may make sense to them. People get stuck here because they don’t understand their partner’s feelings, or why he or she may feel the way they do. Remember, we all come to our feelings based on our life experiences and these are different for everyone. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are.

Example of listener’s role

Here is what our example might look like if my husband were validating my feelings.
He might say, “So what I heard you say was you were worried about me when I got home at 10:00 and I told you I’d be home at 8:00. You just needed to know that I was safe. Is that correct?” Then I’d let him know that it was correct.

Next comes the most difficult job. He will validate my feelings. It might look like this: “It makes sense that you would feel that way, because you love me and you want me around a long time.”

Remember, he doesn’t have to agree with, understand, or think my feelings are rational. He can even think they are crazy. This is OK. Remember they are my feelings (not right or wrong) and he needs to validate them from what he knows about me.

Validation is the most important part for someone to feel heard and understood in couples communication. This step is critical for resolving the conflict.

If communication is something you struggle with, therapy can help. Please give me at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie