Now that many of us are working from home, we have more time with our partners. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. Many people find themselves in unfamiliar territory and it can be very unsettling. Tempers may flare. However, because we have this unique time together it is a wonderful way to increase connection and grow together.
I just read an article in the New York Times called Cupid in Quarantine by Helen Fisher, PhD. She discusses ways that couples can improve their connection to their partner in this challenging time vs. tear each other apart. Fisher has spent over 40 years studying couples and love. We are deeply wired for attachment and love, which involves our brain circuitry.
Below are her suggestions to make the best of being quarantined together.
Focus on the positive
We have the choice of focusing on the negative aspects of our partner or the positive ones. Whatever you look for, you will find. According to a Lucy Brown, a neuropsychologist there are 3 areas of the brain that show activity when doing brain scanning in people who are in happy relationships. One area of the brain is the area associated with empathy. The second area that lit up was the one that is in charge of your ability to handle stress and strong emotions. The third area that showed activity was the one referred to as “positive illusions, “ which is the area of the brain that allows you to ignore the things that you don’t like about your partner.
Many annoying behaviors can be reframed as something positive. For example instead of saying that he is so picky, you can say he is good at paying attention to details. Also remember that the very thing we thought was adorable when we were falling in love is the same thing that can now get on our nerves.
Have a place to call your own
Is there a place you can get alone time in your house or apartment? We all need alone time to regroup and recharge our batteries. You can feel free to be whatever mood you are in whether it is happy, sad, or irritable and have a place to process these feelings. It gives us a sense of control and autonomy to be alone.
Have a schedule to improve connection
Do you plan on having breakfast together? Are you both working at home? Do you have specific work hours? It’s so easy for work and personal life to blend together when we work from home. Perhaps you have specific alone time and together time. Maybe you plan to have some sort of exercise or walk during the day.
For many people having a routine helps decrease feelings of anxiety and depression.
Playtime
What time of day do you want to spend together? Do you enjoy playing cards, board games, and movies? Having some playtime increases the amount of dopamine that is released. It makes us feel good and energizes us. This increases connection with our partner.
Fisher also says that nostalgia is good. Perhaps the two of you can reminisce about your earlier days of dating and the things you did at the beginning of your relationship. You may even want to talk about when you first met and attracted you to the other person.
Snuggle time
Physical touch is healthy. Often times when I’m doing couples counseling I will recommend that they do the one-minute hug. Typically when we hug it’s very short lived. One minute might feel like it is forever. When we hug our partner for 1 minute, oxytocin is released. It is our bonding hormone and is also released in breast milk. It is relaxing and makes you feel more attached to your partner.
Plan a trip
For most of us the anticipation of a trip is something that is very exciting. It’s always nice to have something to look forward to. Focusing on the future is a good thing as it lets us think about moving on after this pandemic has passed.
Keep the passion
Nothing helps passion than spontaneity and doing new things. Maybe you want to have a dance party with your partner. Turn on the music and dance around the kitchen or family room. Have fun. You can get creative with your date nights. What about putting a blanket on the living room floor and having a picnic. Pull out the china, placemats and candles to make your next meal romantic. Also since you are together all day, perhaps being intimate in the afternoon is something you typically don’t do. Remember, shaking things up and doing things differently adds to the excitement.
Couples counseling
I am doing teletherapy. It works with individuals as well as couples. If you are struggling with your relationship, please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can come up with a game plan to help improve your connection with your partner.
Take care,
Debbie
