Relationship Rut

Are you experiencing a relationship rut? Have you been together a long time and it seems like you have lost that spark, or your relationship is just ho hum? Do not despair; this happens to anyone who has been in a long-term relationship. The first step to change is recognizing you have a problem.

My guess is that if you are reading this blog, then you may have noticed your relationship isn’t quite what you want. You may even feel taken for granted. Below are some tips to help you get out of your rut.

What did you do when you were first dating?

This is always a great thing to go back to. What sweet or kind things did you do for your partner when you first fell in love? Did you send cards, write sweet little notes, buy flowers, do other sweet things for each other, or spend hours hanging out? Guess what, you partner fell in love with you because of some of those things, so going back to them will help your partner remember why he or she fell in love with you, and push you out of your relationship rut.

Date night

This one seems to go out the window once kids come along. It is important that you continue to nurture your relationship with each other. It’s so easy to get caught up in your kids needs and activities and you may have nothing left to give your partner. No one tells you that you need to continue to go out with each other on a regular basis. Move many years fast forward. If you don’t spend time together, you will no longer have a relationship once the kids move out. Ideally I recommend weekly date nights-if not weekly, then at least every other week. You don’t have to spend a lot of money doing anything. This is about spending quality time, one on one with your partner.

Talk time

Remember when you would spend hours together just talking. You most likely hung on your partners every word because you were so crazy about him or her. I recommend that you spend 20 minutes every night just sitting on the couch talking. Giving each other undivided attention. This is very different from multitasking while talking. This means no TV, reading materials, phones, or electronic devices. You would be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when it is just the 2 of you.

1 minute hug

This might sound silly. You probably think we hug a lot. Realistically, how long do those hugs last? A nano-second? When you hug someone, oxytocin (our bonding hormone) is released, so there is a physiological reason for this exercise. I’d recommend you time this; you will be surprised how long a minute can feel. It may feel weird or awkward when you do this. That is OK, acknowledging awkwardness or laughing builds intimacy.

Laugh

When is the last time the two of you laughed so hard your sides ached? Most people who are married have similar senses of humor, as that is probably one of the things that attracted you to each other. So take some time to be silly and have some fun. Life is too short to be serious all the time.

Share one thing you love or appreciate about each other

It feels good to hear our partner express kind things to us. You may want to do this on a daily basis. You decide when it is a good time. Perhaps it is first thing in the morning, at dinner, or just before bed. We all have an emotional bank account with each other. When you do or say something nice, it is considered a deposit. When you argue or say something negative it’s a withdrawal. John Gottman, PhD says that there should be 5 deposits for every one withdrawal. That way, when something negative occurs, you have an account of positives to get your through it. I always say that by the time couples end up in therapy, their accounts are overdrawn.

Make out

Do you remember when you first got together spending hours making out? Whether you do or don’t remember that, why not try it? Kissing is a really nice way to build some intimacy in our relationships. Going back to the basics can stir up old and new passion.

Have sex

Perhaps you haven’t had sex for a while. Why not get back into it? It’s a wonderful way to feel close to your partner.

Maybe you feel that your sex life has become boring or mechanical. Why not do some things to spice things up? Perhaps you could try a different position, or act out a fantasy. You might want to go to a sex shop and see if you can find anything fun. Even if you don’t buy anything, you might get some good ideas, or just have a laugh.

5 Love Languages

This is a great classic book by Chapman. According to him, there are 5 different ways to show love-physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving and quality time. You can read the book, or go online and take the quiz. The notion is that we tend to show love in the way we want to receive it. However, our partners’ love language is most likely different from our own. So while you may be showing love in your own way, your partner may not receive it as love. Once you know what you partner’s love language is, it will print out a list of things you can do to make your partner feel loved.

If you are experiencing relationship rut and need someone to help guide you out of it, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie