Being Perfect

Being perfect effects people in many more ways than you might think. It impacts your mind, body and relationships with others. There is a quote by Edwin Bliss about perfectionism: “The pursuit of excellence is gratifying and healthy. The pursuit of perfection is frustrating, neurotic, and a terrible waste of time.”

In the book Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good the authors, Adderhaoldt and Goldberg mention some research looking at perfectionism and sense of self. What the researchers found is that the higher the person scored on perfection, the lower their self-concept. Supposedly these people based their identity on how perfect they were. Logically we all know that no one is perfect, so this is a true struggle within.

Think about it. If you are a straight A student and you define yourself by that GPA, it becomes a much different story than someone who strives for excellence. For the perfectionist, that one B might mean total failure. Whereas the person striving for excellence knows that a B is still good. It’s about how you see yourself afterwards. I have worked with clients with a GPA from top universities over 3.8 still beating themselves up years after the fact, that it wasn’t a 4.0. It’s also much more difficult to get a 4.0 in college than it is in high school, as the competition is stiffer.

Perfectionists tie their self-worth to their successes. Those who try for excellence know that who they are as a person does not matter if they achieve that successful milestone or not. They are able to enjoy their successes, and their sense of self does not depend on it.

According to Adderholdt and Goldberg perfectionists play a number of games. Perhaps some of these are things you have done.

Mood dependent on achievements

This is exactly what it says. If you do well and accomplish that goal, you feel wonderful. If you don’t quite achieve it you feel awful, as if you are a total failure. For example, if you get one B, you no longer have the 4.0, so you failed.

Quantity over quality

The more success you have, the better you feel about yourself. The problem is, you are so focused on adding successes to your plate, that you have lost the meaning, any lessons may you have learned along the way, or any true enjoyment. It’s almost, like check off that box and then move on to the next one. You keep going like a hamster on a wheel with no break.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Do you beat yourself up with these useless terms? Many perfectionists do. You obsess over the mistakes you made and ruminate on them unnecessarily. It is difficult for you to let it go.

Minimizing and maximizing

With this type of telescopic thinking, you maximize your mistakes or the things that you consider failures. You continue to play the shoulda, woulda, coulda game above. In addition to that, you minimize your achievements. They don’t mean as much as you already accomplished them. The successes don’t matter, only the failures.

Lack of life, work balance

This means that you give up everything to achieve your goal, even if it means that you aren’t taking care of yourself. For instance, giving up things you enjoy or are good for you, such as exercise, or breaking plans with friends so you can have more time to achieve your goal perfectly.

Repeating things until you get it perfect

This might be someone who gets stuck and isn’t able to finish a paper until it is done perfectly. Do you miss deadlines, procrastinate, or not turn things in because it doesn’t look perfect? Maybe you repeat a college class because you got a B instead of an A.

Black and white thinking

You are a success or a failure, there is no in between. If you didn’t exactly do what you set out to do, you are a failure. Or perhaps you feel you have to be the best at everything you set out to do. For example, have that 4.0, be class president, homecoming queen/king, and sports star. Good luck with that one, as there is always someone who will be smarter, better looking, etc.

Procrastination

In some situations, procrastination may be due to the fear of failure. If the person can’t do it perfectly, they may not try to do it at all, or put it off to the last minute. Then they are miserable because they need to pull an all nighter to get it done.

If many of these ways of thinking, describe you, and you want to change, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie