Are you really hard on yourself? Do you beat yourself up for your so-called ‘failings’? Are you harder on yourself than anyone else? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Are you someone who has to be super mom or super dad? When you are at work, do you worry about home, and when at home worry about work? Perhaps you struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionism is like a mask. It hides who you really are. You feel the need to present this way, yet inside you may really feel like a mess. My guess is that it causes you a lot of distress. Did you know that people who are perfectionists are more likely to be depressed?

Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

According to a recent article in the  Houston Chronicle :

Social Pressure

It seems as if there is quite a bit of social pressure to be perfect. It starts with our online worlds. When we look at Facebook and Instagram all we see is how wonderful other people’s lives are, and all the fun they are having. It’s easy to compare it to your own life and feel as if you don’t measure up. Think about it, people only post the good stuff. Whose life only has good stuff? We all have struggles, yet most people don’t post all this online.

Competition

In addition, there is pressure from society to get into a school with a pedigree, have the highest GPA, keep up with the Jones’s, etc. Not everyone is going to be an A student, and get into a stellar college. You may not be able to afford what your neighbor can. Competition is all around us.

Parental Involvement

The article also said that parents in the past several years have gotten too involved with their children and pushing too many activities. In a sense the parents are putting their anxiety for success on their children.

Ways To Combat Perfectionism

Strive For Excellence, Not Perfection

It is best to be the best you can be, but you will never be perfect. Of course there is someone who can do it better than you, or will be prettier than you, etc. Do the best with the skills you have been given. When you do that, you can be content.

Try To Be Imperfect.

I’d challenge you to be 5 minutes late for something. What happens if you are? What is the worst thing that can happen? If you try this, my guess is it’s not as horrible as you thought. Most people are much more forgiving of others, than you are of yourself.

Set Reasonable Goals

Perhaps the ones you have set are unrealistic. It’s OK to set high goals. If you recognize that they are not achievable, then reassess them and readjust them as needed. Remember, a goal is something to strive for, not an absolute failure or success. If it were easy to achieve, it wouldn’t be a goal. I always tell the perfectionists, shoot for 80%, as this will reduce your stress.  In addition, the 80% a perfectionist gives, may be more than 100%.

The Good Of Imperfections

What do you think would happen if you were imperfect? Did you even think about how your being perfect affects others? Do you think people will feel comfortable coming to you with their struggles if you are perfect? They may think that you couldn’t understand what it’s like to struggle. Being imperfect makes you more relatable. A great book is the Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

Talk About It

This helps reduce the stigma. It’s good for your mental health to talk with others about your need to feel perfect. Many others feel the same pressure. It will help you feel less alone when you talk about your struggles. And guess what happens when you share yours? Typically someone will share their challenges too. We all have them.

Strive For Work-Life Balance

That means, when you are at work, don’t worry about what is going on at home. When you are at home, let work go. Worrying will not make it better. Now if you need to do some brainstorming, or strategizing about upcoming events, then do so, but don’t worry needlessly about things that will most likely never happen.

Meditate, Practice Mindfulness

When you are doing these things, you are in the moment. There is no room for fear or anxiety. Those lie in the past and in the future. If you are meditating and are in the here and now, there is no room for anything other than your five senses at this point in time. What do you see, hear, small, taste, touch? When you can focus on these things, you are being mindful and in the moment.

If perfectionism is something you struggle with, give me a call and I can teach you how to ease up on yourself. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, Phd