The holidays may be challenging for you if you have to deal with difficult family members. Others seem to have the perfect family or relationship. Yet your family might be disjointed, have members who don’t talk to each other because of political polarization or other conflict. Some families might be so chaotic that you don’t want to be around them. Or perhaps you have suffered some sort of abuse (verbal, physical or sexual) from one of these family members. Maybe it is the first holiday season without a loved one.
If you dread the holidays due to difficult family members my heart goes out to you. There are some things that you can do to help you through these challenging times.
How to deal with difficult family members
Talk to them ahead of time
If you know your family is split politically, ask that politics be taken off the table for discussion. The same holds true for any source of conflict. Hopefully everyone will agree.
However, we know people are not perfect and they might slip. If that is the case, gently remind them that you agreed you wouldn’t be discussing the topic. Perhaps they are unwilling to change the topic. If that is the case, you can leave the room and talk to others. The worse case scenario is that you have to leave the event all together. That is OK, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Set boundaries with difficult family members
If someone says something unkind to you, let him or her know that it bothers you. Perhaps someone will be at the event that has been abusive to you sometime in the past. If you know this ahead of time, you can choose not to attend the event. If the person shows up, you can avoid him or her, or you can leave. It is important that you take care of yourself.
If people complain about something you did or didn’t do, let them know that it isn’t an appropriate time to have the discussion. No one wants to be humiliated with a bunch of other people around.
Maybe you have a relative who drinks too much or gets loud and obnoxious. If that is the case, can you avoid them? Or maybe that is the time for you to make your exit.
People may not like it if you set boundaries. That is OK. They are there to protect you, not make other people happy.
Seek out someone you are comfortable with
Is there someone you feel safe with in your family? If so, try to spend as much time with that person as possible. Maybe they feel the same way as you do about the family dynamics.
If the person who rubs you the wrong way comes over, say hello and keep the conversation brief and on topics that are safe. Needing to use the restroom or getting a drink is always an easy way to leave the conversation.
Have a friend to reach out to
If there isn’t someone you particularly align with in your family, contact a friend or loved one. You can let this person know ahead of time that you might contact them if things get rough. Perhaps this person can keep you occupied for a while, or provide an exit excuse.
Other times just having some empathy or an encouraging word is helpful.
Keep your visit short with difficult family members
This is a little more challenging if you need to travel to visit these family members. One important thing to do is stay at the home of a friend, or get a hotel room. You don’t want to be trapped with these toxic family members. If that is not possible you can retreat to your room if things get rough.
I heard someone say that relatives are like fish, after about 3 days they both stink. This can occur even if you get along well with your family. You are all adults and have your own way of doing things. In addition, no matter how old we are, when around family we revert back to our old family dynamics and sibling rivalries.
If you aren’t traveling out of town, you can let the host know that you can only stay until 8 pm, or whatever time you feel is appropriate.
Practice self care
Focus on what you are grateful for with your family. Perhaps someone is wonderful with children, an excellent cook, or great at decorating. Even though there are things that bother you, think about the things that are good. What positive memories did you have growing up?
Do some deep breathing (try square breathing or 478 breathing). Or you can practice some mindfulness or meditation.
If you feel that there is too much conflict in your family, you can decline the invitation. No one wants you to be in a situation that overwhelms you. If this is the case, might you consider family therapy? Sometimes getting family members together in a safe atmosphere can help all members resolve conflict or come to a better place of understanding. If I can help out please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
