How to Work on Anger Management

I know as a nation, we have been all over the place with all the unrest that has been occurring. Last week I focused on letting go of uncertainty and things we had no control over. This week I’m going to focus on anger management, as anger is another emotion that people have been feeling. Some people are angry about the election results, or the unrest that has been occurring. Even if this isn’t something you are feeling about our nation, perhaps you struggle with anger in your relationships.

Anger is a normal human emotion. We all feel it. The goal of anger management is not to get rid of anger, but to channel it in an appropriate way. Only in doing so can you be heard and have a voice.

Some people get angry and go from 0 to 60 in no time flat. Some people stuff their anger for quite a while. Then just like a pressure cooker, they can only suppress for so long before it blows.

Typically when someone reacts above and beyond what is called for in the situation it is due to something else from the past. They say when someone overreacts, its 10% of what is going on in the current situation and 90% of something from the past. Whatever occurred is triggering something, most likely from their childhood. Or it could be that whatever is occurring is the straw that broke the camels back.

What is being triggered?

Learning your triggers is a big clue in the anger management puzzle. Take some time to think about your past hurts from childhood. You may think this is silly, however we all have childhood wounds. You might say that you had a great childhood and your parents were warm and loving. That may be the case, however, no parent can meet our needs 100% of the time.

It could be as innocuous as sitting at the table with a parent who had their nose in the newspaper or on their phone. This may have led you to feel insignificant or unimportant. Then as an adult when you experience a similar dynamic, you overreact.

Then there are the situations with obvious childhood abuse or toxic parenting that led to a different kind of wound.

Watch your negative thinking

Often times people who have trouble controlling their temper have some negative thinking patterns or cognitive distortions. Perhaps your self-talk just fans the flames of your anger. You are certain that you are right, or tell yourself that the other person is an idiot, did something to purposely annoy you, make assumptions that are not true, or have unrealistic expectations.

Self-talk is very important. It can make the difference between a big blow up or appropriate anger management. The blow up will not help you get your needs met.

How did your parents resolve conflict?

Most of us don’t have parents who sat us down and said, “Today we are going to learn how to express your anger in an appropriate manner.” Typically we learn how to resolve conflict based on what we saw our parents model. Most of us didn’t learn appropriate anger management strategies growing up.

Also, did you have a parent who was angry all the time, or had a short temper? If so, you may have learned that is how you control your anger. You blow up and get what you want. That might sound well and good, but it typically leads to resentment in your relationship.

Explore your past

Was there a time that your parents were not there for you? This can be difficult to do, as these events are often painful. Maybe you were the last one picked up at school, perhaps your parents were too busy for you and couldn’t be there when you needed them. One of them may have been verbally abusive and called you names. Maybe they told you that you were useless and wouldn’t amount to anything.

Exploring these scars either alone or with a therapist can help you process the past and better understand what makes you tick. This is not to say that your parents are bad people. We are all products of our environment and we can’t give what we don’t have.

Journal about anger management

Writing about some of these past hurts can also help you better understand your triggers. It can also help you validate your own feelings even if no one else would.

Watch your self-talk

Pay attention. Are you saying negative things about yourself or others? Are you calling them names? Do you assume they should know what to do to keep you from getting mad? None of these things are helpful.

How about working on positive self-talk? Whenever you notice something negative going through your head, challenge that negative thought. Where is the proof that it is true. If you say something negative to yourself you might want to add something positive.

Perhaps giving the other person the benefit of the doubt would help. They do have a valid perspective; it’s just different from your own.

It helps some people to imagine what they may say if someone else was struggling with the same thing. My guess is that you would be a little more supportive to someone you loved. Maybe you are your own worst enemy.

Recognizing unhealthy behavior

Catching ourselves in the act is the first step to change. We can’t work on something we aren’t aware of, or unwilling to acknowledge.

Remember that you didn’t get here overnight, so things won’t change overnight. Change is slow and steady. Be patient with yourself as sometimes it’s 2 steps forward and one step back.

Leave the situation

Often times the best thing you can do is to leave the situation. If you start to argue, or blow up, you might as well stop. Nothing good will come of it and you can’t resolve things in that state of mind. Perhaps going for a drive or a walk will help. You don’t have to stay in a toxic situation. Take time to calm down.

When you have calmed down, address the situation

The only way to resolve conflict is to first calm down. You also have to be in a place to accept that the other person has a point of view that is different from yours. We all know that it doesn’t feel good when we are in conflict with someone we care about. You get to decide how long you want to sit with that feeling.

Calmly discuss what happened. Remember, you don’t have to have the same point of view to resolve things. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.

If anger management is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can work on it so you can have more harmonious relationships.

Take care,

Debbie