Are You a People Pleaser?

Are you a people pleaser? You know, one of those people who always say yes without even thinking. You want to be sure that everyone is happy and everyone likes you.

While this may have served you well growing up in your family, you may find that it no longer works for you. What typically happens is that you try so hard to make everyone happy, and there is no room for you, your opinions or feelings. I am suggesting that you work on changing that behavior. For some people this is scary.

You may fear that people will no longer like you if you stop the people pleasing. Guess what, you might be right. There might be some people who are takers that won’t want to be around you as much, as you don’t serve their needs. Realistically any relationship that is worth having is reciprocal. No relationship lasts if you constantly give and the other person takes.

How to stop being a  people pleaser

Set priorities

What is important to you? Typically there are things that we need to get done during the week or weekend. Before you say yes to anything be sure you have done the things that you need to do for you.

Tell the person you will get back to them

This is a great stop gap method. Maybe you want to say no, but don’t feel strong enough to do so. It gives you time to calm down, and think about it. See what you need to do and determine if you have time. Even if you don’t want to do it and have time, you can say no. Just let the other person know that you have too many other commitments and don’t have time.

Set a time limit

Maybe someone asks you to help him or her move. Maybe you’d like to help them a little bit, but not all day long. Tell them you have 2 hours (or whatever time sounds good to you) to help. Then leave at the end of 2 hours. This time limit will protect you and your time, and will also help the other person out. This may be a stepping-stone on learning how to say no.

Learn to say NO

I’m not suggesting that you say no to everything, just some things that you don’t want to do, don’t have time to do, or don’t feel is appropriate to do. The choice is yours. This may be very difficult to do as you have little experience doing so. Trust me, everything gets easier with practice.

How does this person treat you?

Is this someone who is manipulative? Do they only call you when they need something from you? How do you feel when you are with this person? Are they critical or do they make you feel bad about yourself? If so, these people are using you. You can either limit your interactions with them, or cut them out of your life.

Set Boundaries

Does someone ask you to do things that you are not OK doing. Maybe they call you late at night or expect you to be at their beck and call. You get to call the shots here. Remember, boundaries are to protect you, not make other people happy.

Stay strong if they start to give you a hard time

If you usually say yes, and now you say no, the other person may give you a hard time. They may become critical, get angry with you, or tell you that you are ungrateful as they have done so much for you, etc. Do not let them sway you. If you do, you have now taught them that they just need to fuss at you a little to get you to do what they want.

How did you learn to become a people pleaser

Do you have any idea where this comes from? It most likely goes back to your childhood and family of origin. If there was some kind of substance abuse or mental illness you may have had to say yes to everything or World War 3 would break out. Maybe you were afraid you would be hit or yelled at, so you said yes, to avoid being abused. We often take patterns that keep us safe in childhood into our adult relationships, where that pattern is no longer functional.

Don’t apologize

This is something else people pleasers do a lot of. It is not possible to meet everyone’s needs or make everyone happy. Just the fact that you make one person happy may mean that someone else doesn’t get what he or she wants. That is OK. Do you know anyone who gets what they want all the time? None of us do.

You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness

Have your really tried to make someone else happy? Perhaps you can do some small things that will make someone happy in the moment. However, true happiness lies from within. Trying to make someone else happy is a never ending battle, and a load that is too big for anyone to carry. How about focusing on your own happiness and letting others take care of theirs?

Celebrate your success

This is not easy work. True behavior change takes time. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your successes. Remember to take baby steps. That way you can increase your assertiveness to a point where you are honoring your own needs.

If being a people pleaser is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can help you set boundaries and take care of your needs.

Take care,

Debbie