Do you feel that you are losing that emotional intimacy in your relationship? It can happen so easily. Hopefully you get some warning signs before it is too late. Once you have children or are establishing your careers, it’s so easy to get very involved in your own life. You may have parallel lives, or you may be growing further apart.
Regardless, it happens to many couples and in this blog I’ll give you a roadmap based on John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory. Gottman is the guru of couples counseling and he has made it his life’s mission to study couples, and what pulls them apart and draws them together. This theory is a roadmap on how to improve emotional intimacy with your partner.
Sound Relationship House to improve emotional intimacy
Love Maps
These are questions to ask each other to tap in to your greatest dreams and fears, along with things you enjoy. They are open-ended questions, which helps you have deeper discussions. You may think you know your partner, but our hopes, dreams, fears, likes and dislikes can change over time.
Gottman has a wonderful list of about 60 questions, which will help you learn a lot about your partner. The more you know, the more connected you will become.
Sharing admiration
This is an antidote for negativity in your relationship. If you are in a rough place with your partner, you may be focusing on all the negative things about them. As a result you feel the need to correct those things, and you may be doing it in an unhealthy manner. Thus, you can learn to change your mindset, and look for and focus on the good. We are much more likely to repeat the things that someone praises or thanks us for doing.
What you look for you will find. If you look for the good, you will find it. If you look for the bad you will find it.
Turning towards each other
We make bids for emotional connection all the time in our relationships. We might miss them and so might our partner. These go into our emotional bank accounts, so hopefully you are aware of them. Do you know what your partner does as a bid for connection?
Verbal bids involve asking your partner to do something together or complementing you. Nonverbal bids might include physical touch, affection, laughter or a smile.
Engaging in activities such as ignoring your partner, having a harsh tone or rejecting your partner turns them away from you.
Taking a positive perspective to improve emotional intimacy
In order to be able to take a positive perspective, the basic friendship of the relationship has to be in place. When someone is in the state of what Gottman refers to as the negative sentiment override, partners view even a neutral or positive message as negative. Only when the friendship has been solidified can one have the perspective of a positive sentiment override. When you don’t see your partner as your friend, but your adversary you will be hypervigilant for negativity.
Manage conflict
This is a big one, as we all have conflict in our relationship. The first step is looking for patterns in the relationship where you get stuck. It is important to look at what triggers each of you, and how they played a part in your past. We take our family of origin dynamics with us wherever we go.
There are 4 ways to effectively solve problems for things that are resolvable. The first one is a softened startup. Tone is huge in resolving conflict. Second is accepting influence. Third is de-escalating the problem and last is compromise.
If the problem is not resolvable, then it is important to have a dialog about the issue. It is critical to maintain a positive affect and remain calm. Asking questions to better understand is always helpful. Working with a therapist might be beneficial at this point.
Make dreams and goals come true
Of course we need to know what our partners dreams are to be able to make this step happen. Some of them might be simple and easy others might be more challenging. Perhaps you have always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. Perhaps that is a goal to work towards, and may take many years.
Remember, your partner’s dreams may be different from you own, so you need to support each other’s. It will also be more enjoyable having you at their side.
Create a sense of shared meaning to improve emotional intimacy
In this final step we share a life together. How do you spend your time and resources? Are there beliefs and traditions that you create together, or incorporate in from your family of origin? This is where all your memories lie.
This also involves the rituals such as how you spend your holidays; how you spend meal times, and spend your day. We all have these rituals that we may not even pay attention to. It’s how our families operate. What do you want your family legacy to be?
Obviously this is all very complicated and there are so many nuances in each of our families. If you feel that you and your partner are growing apart, following this model or seeking therapy can be helpful. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help.
Take care,
Debbie
