We all have this notion of an emotional bank account. John Gottman PhD, the guru of couples counseling and relationships, states that this is just like your financial bank account. When we make a deposit, or do something that leads to a connection with our partner, it is considered a deposit. If we do something that harms that connection, it is a withdrawal.
Obviously we always want to have money in our bank accounts. Thus it is important to be sure that you are making many more deposits than withdrawals. Gottman states that there should be 5 deposits for every withdrawal to make your relationship manageable. To keep it flourishing he says you should have 20 deposits for every withdrawal. You may be wondering how to do this.
Effects of a flourishing emotional bank account
You can be yourself and not worry about your relationship
If there is some kind of withdrawal, there isn’t much anxiety and you feel you can recover relatively easily
When you argue you give your partner the benefit of the doubt
Effects of a low emotional bank account
You think your relationship might be in trouble
Maybe you worry about your partner’s intentions, feel alone or disconnected
You are very worried about getting your relationship back on track
How to make a deposit to an emotional bank account
Lean into a bid for connection
These are things that are done verbally or nonverbally as a way to connect to your partner. They do not need to be anything big. This can be something small that will make you feel connected. Healthy couples do this on a regular basis. Hopefully you are already doing these things without even realizing it.
Let your partner know when they are doing something good
When you compliment or thank your partner in the act, it makes them feel appreciated. We are much more likely to repeat something when someone thanks us. A simple example would be for me to thank my husband for taking out the trash. He does it all the time. I’m glad I don’t have to do it, so why not thank him occasionally for a thankless job?
Give them a compliment
Gottman says that the best compliments are about them as a person. Of course we all like to hear that we look nice, are beautiful or handsome. An example might be, “I really liked the way you helped our daughter when she was having a rough day.” We might not always look great, but complimenting our positive traits will stick with us.
Do something nice for them
Growing up, my mother used to say, “If you aren’t sure if you should do something nice for someone, just do it.” Realistically, what could it harm? Again, these can be simple things such as making coffee in the morning or bringing in the paper. Perhaps you put your partners dishes away or do a chore you typically don’t do.
Ask about your partners world
Do you ask your partner how their day went? Ask them questions about their lives, their interests, family and friends. Doing so makes them feel that you are interested and care about them.
Provide physical affection
Gottman says how we come and go in our relationships matter. He says you should give a 6 second kiss when you leave and a hug when you return. When I read that I had to think. I know I don’t do as he suggests, but at least I let my partner know when I come and go. Leaving and not telling them would be considered a withdrawal. It also can lead to a host of miscommunication.
Give a gift
This shows your partner that you care about them and are thinking about them. Again, this doesn’t need to be anything big. It can be very simple, like getting them their favorite candy bar or snack. Maybe you saw a card and thought of them, or picked up some flowers from the grocery store.
Spend time together
This is so important. It is very easy to do when you are first dating, because all you can do is think about the other person. But it is very easy to get caught up in our own lives, especially after we have kids. No one tells you how important it is to continue those date nights, or have alone time where just the two of you can talk.
I can’t tell you how many couples I work with who have lost that connection over the years. If you don’t work on it regularly, you will lose that skill. At that time things can get awkward or your relationship is vulnerable to an affair.
Give them emotional support
When the chips are down or your partner is struggling, be there for them. Listen to their fears and concerns. Provide empathy. You also want to be the one to support their dreams and goals. In the best relationships, our partner helps us be the best version of ourselves that we can be.
If you are struggling in your relationship, therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
