Another aspect to consider when getting married according to Chapman is your partner’s family. Just because the two of you get married, doesn’t mean that your parents and in-laws will not influence your life or have expectations. Do you have any idea what the family expectations are? Are you OK with them, or do some new boundaries need to be established?
Does one of your families expect you to have a weekly dinner with them? Whatever the norm is while dating, may be what is expected after marriage. It is certainly OK to change things and have traditions of your own, but what if you have differing opinions on how much you’d like your families to be involved in your lives? Are there cultural differences between the 2 families and expectations of family togetherness? What if your partner does not like one of your family members or vice versa? There are many areas for potential conflict.
Is it OK for family members to drop by unannounced? What are your boundaries in that area? These are people who will be in your life for a long time. It is important that you set boundaries in a warm, caring manner.
What if your in-laws have very different political, social or religious views than you? It is important to allow them to have their views, and be respectful of them, even though they differ from yours.
How will you negotiate the holidays? Will you go to both families for that holiday, or will you alternate between holidays? What if you want to set up your own traditions? It gets even more complicated if someone comes from a divorced family. You may have up to 4 sets of parents to visit on holidays. Being able to effectively negotiate is important.
If you live far away from your family, many of these will be less of an issue. I don’t think anyone would expect you to be at the home of 2 different families for Thanksgiving who live 500 miles apart. Yet distance can also create a new set of challenges as your in-laws may ask to come visit for a weekend, and then things can get intense very quickly.
How will you handle it if one of your in-laws makes unwanted suggestions about your cooking, cleaning, or job? It can be challenging to keep the peace with both your partner and in-laws. The more experience you have with your partner’s parent’s prior to marriage the less likely you are to be blindsided by some of these questions
The main point here is that if you are kind and respectful to their wishes, and they feel heard and understood, your relationship will be off to a good start, which paves the way for negotiating effectively.
Take care,
Debbie
