Healthy boundaries are something that may be easy to set, yet challenging to stick with. However, by not sticking to your boundaries, you teach people that you don’t really mean what you say. Or they just need to push you or complain and you will give in.

If you don’t set or follow through with your healthy boundaries, it harms you. It can lead to all kinds of problems such as anxiety, depression, abuse, and low self-esteem. You may feel exhausted or resent others.

People come to therapy for a variety of reasons, and underlying most of these struggles is the lack of healthy boundaries. Perhaps you grew up in a family without boundaries and don’t even know how to set them. Or your family had unhealthy boundaries and you thought they were normal.

Some people think that setting boundaries is selfish. However if you don’t set them, you will lose your sense of self.

One of my favorite books on boundaries is Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab. The information below is based on information from her book.

8 steps to set healthy boundaries

Pinpoint the place where you feel a sense of exhaustion, anger or resentment

Often times the reason you feel those things is that someone coerced you into doing something you didn’t want to do. You didn’t set appropriate boundaries. Or perhaps you are a people pleaser and don’t know how to say no.

Clarify the boundary

Are there things that you don’t want to do or put up with? Maybe you are in a relationship with someone who pushes your boundaries. If they don’t know they are doing it, they will think everything is fine. You get to set whatever boundary you want, when you want it. It is never too late.

Follow your intuition when setting healthy boundaries

I always tell people, follow your gut. Your gut is your guide and only you know what that is. If something doesn’t feel or sound right listen to it-no matter what anyone else says. Perhaps you are not sure, let the other person know that you will get back to them. Sleep on it and see if you feel any surer.

Say No

If you aren’t sure, or you don’t want to do it say no. Remember, boundaries are not to make other people happy, but to make you feel safe.

You do not need to give any explanation. If you do that, it only gives them ammunition to try to talk you into it, or to make you feel bad. It doesn’t matter what the other person may have done for you in the past, doing something you are not comfortable with will only make you feel bad, as well as resent the other person.

Be assertive

If you are tentative when you set the boundary, it can give the other person the impression, that they can talk you into it.

You can be assertive and polite at the same time, just be careful of your tone. If they push back, it just shows you that you need to be firmer.

Set consequences for healthy boundaries

If there are no consequences for someone not following through with a boundary, then why would they follow it?

For example, if you tell your teenager that they need to have their room clean before they can go out with their friends, and they don’t clean their room, then they don’t get to go out. If you cave in and let them go, then why did you set the boundary?

I always tell people don’t set a boundary unless you are going to follow through with it.

Ignore the guilt

If you aren’t used to setting boundaries and then you set them and stick to them, you may feel a sense of guilt. In the above example, you may feel guilty for seeing your teenager upset because they can’t go out with their friends. That is OK. Over time, you will feel less guilty.

Realistically it was your child’s choice not to clean their room. It is on them and their lack of responsibility. Guess what? It just takes 1 or 2 times to suffer the consequences for someone to know you are serious. We learn the most from the things that hurt us.

Find support

If setting boundaries is difficult for you, find support. Do you have a friend or family member who is good at setting boundaries? They would be a great person to talk to. There are also all kinds of books on boundaries.

If you need a little more help, therapy may be just what you need. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can help you set healthy boundaries.

Take care,

Debbie