Home for the holidays. This can mean many different things to people. For some it’s memories of warmth, love and good times. For others it can be memories of conflict, struggle and misery. No matter what the memories are, it can still lead to feelings of stress and anxiety.

Part of this stress may be due to the fact that we are always the most comfortable in our own homes. We like our routines as they bring us comfort. Perhaps at someone else’s house it’s the physical environment that makes us uncomfortable. It’s no fun to have to share a shower or bathroom with 8 people. There can be a lack of privacy, meddling parents or in-laws, or no time to have some alone time. Perhaps you are struggling with an eating disorder or prefer certain foods that will not be available to you, or having to wait on others for mealtime.

One thing you can be certain of if you are visiting your own family is that the family dynamics and childhood roles will be reactivated. No matter how old we are, or even if we have children of our own, we are still children in the eyes of our parents. It can be very frustrating to do certain things or act in a certain way, as they are the old family norms. Perhaps you had a sibling who has picked on you and gotten under your skin. It is easy to ignore when you are not around them, but not when you are under the same roof.

It can be challenging enough to handle your own parents, but if you have a struggle with one of your in-laws that can add a whole new layer of stress. It may bring conflict with your partner, as he or she may be caught in the middle.

So the question becomes, how do you handle these stressors, or ease the tension?

Here are some tips:

  • Acknowledge that things will not go perfectly.
  • Recognize that the people hosting the holidays will be under stress themselves, and most likely wants things to go well and people to get along.
  • Figure out if you can have some alone time-either individually or with your own family.
  • Go for a walk.
  • If possible, try to have minimal interaction with the person who causes you the most stress.
  • Do not get pulled into conflict. If someone pushes your buttons, don’t respond in the way that they expect you to. If you don’t react, they will stop pushing your buttons.
  • If you have conflict with one of your in-laws, talk with your partner prior to your visit and discuss strategies. Be sure you have your partner on your side, and have them be there to support you if conflict does arise. This will help decrease any stress between you and your partner.
  • If there are certain foods you and your family prefer, ask if it is possible for the person you are staying with to have them in the house.
  • Stay in a hotel if you know there is likely to be conflict. This way you can visit as much or little as you please, and there is a safe place to go back to.

It may also help to talk to a therapist if you are experiencing a great deal of stress prior to the holidays.

Take care,

Debbie