Social comparison typically is not thought of as something positive. Often time’s people compare themselves with other people only to come up short. They might do this in public or online. There is always going to be someone who is better looking, smarter, richer, etc. than you. If all you do is compare yourself in this fashion you will only feel worse about yourself.

When clients mention that they do this, I always remind them that if you are going to engage in social comparison, then you have to have a random sample. That means that realistically you will be better looking, smarter, richer, etc. than some people. This is not to put others down, but that is where reality lies.

However, I recently read an article in Psychology Today that had a very different spin on social comparison. This article talked about the positive side of it. The authors normalize that we all do this on some level, and discuss how to actually use it to our own advantage. For some people, comparing yourself to someone else may actually serve as a motivator. They see another person accomplishing what they would like and it gives them hope that they also can improve in this area.

According to Jaclyn Margois, PhD. there are four strategies to use social comparison to your success vs. detriment.

Four Strategies for Social Comparison

Look for the similarities

Typically if you compare yourself to someone else, we look at the trait or characteristic that we wish we had. She suggests that you look at what the two of you have in common. Try to avoid looking at this person as a competitor. Look at him or her as a peer. That way the person’s success can serve as a motivator for you.

It is all in the perspective you take. For example if you are a swimmer and your friend is faster than you, and you focus on how they always beat you, you will feel bad about yourself. However, your friend’s success can motivate you to do better if you look at them as an inspiration. If you continue to train with your friend, you too might improve. Or perhaps your friend can offer you some tips.

Another way to do this is to look for similarities in other areas of your life. Perhaps you are both in warm, loving relationships, or you both have a love of being in nature. Maybe you are from the same hometown, or your families are close.

Choose Goals that are right for you

Only you know what goals are realistic for you. They might be very different than those around you. That is OK. If you choose someone else’s goals, you will never be happy.

Success means different things to different people. It might be that you experience personal growth, or that you don’t backslide or fail. For others it may mean that you do better than someone else.

Determine goals for the group

If you are working in a group setting, determining goals for the whole group can help you feel successful. When the group achieves a level of success or a goal, you are part of that group thus you too can feel good about your participation.

However if you focus on individual goals within the group, and only rely on yourself then comparing yourself to others can be detrimental, as you may fall short.

Group success is likely to occur in settings where members trust each other and feel free to share ideas, vs. compete against each other.

Look to several role models for social comparison

You cannot be someone else. We each have our own unique talents and personality style. If you only look to one person and try to be like them, or emulate them you won’t be able to do it. As a result, your self-esteem may take a beating.

However if you look to several role models, you can attempt to incorporate the things you like about each of them into your goals. Look for similarities in personality style or viewpoints. Take the qualities that your mentors have taught you, and mesh them into something that is you. In addition, these people have probably pointed out some of your strengths. Hone in on those. These are your natural and unique gifts. By being authentic to yourself, you will shine.

Social comparison does not have to be the “the thief of joy”, it can be the very thing that motivates you and keeps you focused.

If you struggle with low self-esteem or continually feel like you don’t measure up, therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie