Do you and your partner get in to the same argument over and over? No matter how much you try to avoid it, you find yourself back in the same trap. Or perhaps there is a certain topic that you tend to avoid, as you know it will lead to conflict. Obviously, neither of these is good if you want to feel safe and connected in your relationship.
The problem is you don’t know how to get out of these cycles of conflict. You might be aware of them, but for the life of you, can’t figure out how to change it. Well the good news is there are several things you can do to prevent this negative do-loop from happening over and over.
I recently read a great Instragram post by Alexandra Schelling a life and relationship coach. She gave several great ideas on how to change this dynamic. Below are some of her ideas as well as from John Gottman PhD.
How to avoid the argument trap
Set up a time to talk
Ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk. Often times when we are upset about something we just bring it up out of the clear blue. We have no idea what our partner’s day has been like or what his or her mood is. Perhaps the other person had a horrible day or is worried about something and isn’t in the proper headspace to have a discussion. When you ask, it’s important to respect your partner if they say no. If it’s not a good time, then ask if you can set up a time to talk later.
Stonewalling
This is when someone emotionally leaves the conversation. If we were to take their heart rate, it would be sky high. The person needs time to calm down. When we are yelling or upset we are not in a space to be able to understand our partner’s point of view.
When this happens, let your partner know that you need a break. Give them a specific time that you can come back and discuss the issue. So you might need an hour or two. When you let the other person know you will come back and discuss the topic, he or she will also be able to calm down as they know the topic will be discussed and you can work on resolving it.
Pointing out your partners flaws
Guess what? A relationship has 2 people in it. We both have flaws and usually we don’t want them pointed out to us. It hurts. It doesn’t help to complain or talk about all the things he or she is or isn’t doing. You cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself. So work on your part of the argument.
Needing to be right
I’ve heard people say, “You can be right, or you can be happy.” My personal viewpoint is that you are both right. There are 2 very valid perspectives. Our perspective comes from what the world had taught us, and that is different for everyone. When you are able to hear and acknowledge your partners perspective, you will understand each other better.
Interrupting an argument
This is a huge barrier to resolving arguments. How can anything be resolved when you aren’t able to hear and understand each other?
In Gottman’s model of conflict, one person is the speaker and the other person is the listener. It’s actually harder to be the listener, as you need to put your thoughts and feelings aside. So hear the other person out first, ask questions to better understand them and validate their feelings. You will also get a chance to be the speaker.
Thinking your partner can read your mind
I can’t tell you how many people I work with who think they are being very clear in expressing their need, who are not. Or they think that it should be obvious that their partner should clean the kitchen exactly as they would, or have the same level of cleanliness. Guess what, no one can read your mind.
For example, if you say, please clean the kitchen, what exactly does that mean? It could mean many different things. So it needs to be spelled out as: please rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Please wash the pots and pans and wipe down the table and counters. These are very specific things. This is not because your partner is an idiot, it’s because your partners brain works differently than yours. In addition, having dishes sitting in the sink may not bother them as much as it bothers you.
Distraction during an argument
It is so easy to be distracted these days with our phones glued to our hips or attached to our wrists. When you are having a discussion with your partner it is important that you put these things aside. If not they may get upset if you are distracted. We can all tell if someone is glancing at their wrist to look at their Apple watch. They may think what they have to say is not important or that you don’t care about them. This may not be the case, but that’s the impression that most people would get.
When your partner wants to talk to you, be sure to turn off the TV and put your other devices away. We all want to be heard and understood.
These are just a few things that can keep us in that negative argument cycle. Believe it or not, there are so many things that impact this that I will be writing more about this topic next week.
Communication is the main reason people come to couples therapy. If you are struggling in your relationship, therapy can help. There are many tools that I can teach you to avoid the argument trap.
Take care,
Debbie
