Couples seek out counseling for several reasons. Communication is the main reason they come in. Most of us learn how to resolve conflict from our parents. Often times our parents are not the best role models. How many parents do you know that say, “OK kids today we are going to teach you how to resolve conflict in a way that each of you will feel heard, understood and respected?

Communication dynamics in relationships

Hailstorm/Turtle or Pursuer/Withdrawer

In this communication style, one person wants to resolve conflict in the moment.   This person is upset and wants to discuss it right away to reduce their level of anxiety. Or perhaps they have a fear that if they don’t talk about it now, it will never be talked about. The person who is the hailstorm will air their grievances and ‘hail’ all over the other person. If you are the turtle, and the hail becomes overwhelming, you will pull yourself into your shell for safety. Only when it is safe to come out will you do so.

It is also common for the pursuer to think that the withdrawer doesn’t care about the situation or is ignoring them. This is far from the truth. The withdrawer has shut down because that person is experiencing so much anxiety that he or she can’t even think straight.

Solutions

If you are the hailstorm, you need to make it safe for the turtle to come out. What happens if a turtle sticks his head out and you smash it like a game of whack-a-mole? You got it, the turtle will go back into their shell until it is safe to come out. Your job is to calm down, watch your tone and listen to what your partner is saying. Only as you make it safe for that person to speak and share their side of things, will that person eventually learn to share things with you and their point of view.

If you are the turtle, you need to take a few risks to see if the hailstorm will make it safe for you to stay out. You can let the person know if you are starting to feel unsafe.   Hopefully you will be heard and the hailstorm will calm down.

Timing Differences

Now one of you might need time to think and process. If you are this person, you probably need to think logically and go from step A to B to C, etc. This is usually the turtle in the relationship. You most likely feel overwhelmed and are not able to think straight about what is occurring. The hailstorm typically goes quickly from A to Z. Your brains are wired differently and each has advantages and disadvantages.

Solution if you need time to process

What is best for you is to pretty much take a ‘time out’. Separating yourself from the conflict is the best thing you can do. Let your partner know that you need time to process things and you will get back to the other person. It is key that you give the other person a specific amount to time. You might let the person know you need 30 minutes (or whatever you think is helpful-not hours or days). This will ease their anxiety because now they know you will get back to them and talk about it. If it helps for you to leave the house, go for a walk, or close yourself off in a room then do so. Honor your needs so you can be in the best place emotionally.

Solution if you need to resolve conflict quickly

If you go from A to Z in no time flat it may seem like your partner takes so long to get there. Just remember, their brain is wired differently than yours. Once the processer gives you a specific amount of time they need, your job is to respect it. Do not push for a shorter period of time.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself in that time. Perhaps you need to go for a walk, call a friend, listen to music in order to reduce your anxiety. Do not text, call or knock on the door of the person who has asked your for a specific amount of time. Now if that time has come and gone and that person hasn’t reached out to you, then it is OK to ask if they are ready to talk yet. If they ask for a little more time, honor that even though it may be difficult for you.

How Therapy Can Help

Conflict can only be resolved when each person feels heard, understood, and respected. You do not need to have the same point of view or feel the same way as your partner; you only need to respect that persons feeling. Feelings are not right or wrong. We come by them based our own life experiences and how the world works for us. No one has the same life experiences, so there are many view points.

I help couples resolve conflict by going over a conflict communication blueprint from John Gottman PhD. It is his research and life works where the model originates. He has a relationship lab and he watches couples as they discuss a common conflict they might have. Gottman can predict with about 80% accuracy which couples will get divorced based on how they attempt to resolve conflict. I will tell you about the greatest predictor of divorce and how to avoid it.

If communication is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554 and I will give you the tools you need to resolve conflict. I always say, therapy is a safe place to land your storm.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, PhD