Would you find it hard to believe that the way you handle conflict can be a predictor of divorce? This is what John Gottman PhD says. Based on his research of years of studying couples there are certain things we do when arguing. We all do some of these, but there is one you want to stay away from.

What Gottman does is have couples come to his relationship lab located in Washington. He’ll ask them to discuss a common area of conflict, and Gottman will leave the room. Meanwhile he will record these couples. Gottman can go back and watch these tapes and predict with about 80% accuracy which couples will get a divorce based on how they argue. He came up with the Four Horseman (destructive patterns during conflict). The good thing is, there is an antidote for each of them. So even if you argue in a way that will predict divorce, there is hope for you to change your behavior. Remember, the first step to change is recognizing your unhelpful behaviors. So here they are:

Criticism

Do you criticize or complain about your partner’s behavior? Do you act as if he or she has some sort of defect? An example Gottman gives is: You are so selfish. Realistically behind every complaint is a positive need that is not met. If you can identify that need and share it with your partner, you will get a much better result. For instance, if my husband tells me he will be home at 8:00 and doesn’t get home till 10:00, when he gets home I can either say, “Where have you been?” or “I was really worried about you.” If I share my feelings of worry, he will be more willing to engage in a conversation as I am not accusing him or criticizing him. It’s also important to be aware of your tone, as it will make a difference.

Defensiveness

I think we all do a little of this. When we become defensive we act as if our partner is accusing us of something, and we need to protect ourself from an attack. An example might be: Don’t blame me, it’s your fault not mine. Realistically if we are in conflict with our partner, we each play a piece. The way to get past this is for each person to admit their part in the argument, as there is no argument if you aren’t both engaged. My own personal theory on defensiveness, is that we wouldn’t get defensive if there weren’t a grain of truth in the statement, and it hurts.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when someone gives a clue that they are no longer engaging in the conversation. This may look like eye rolling, silence or some other cue that the person is not paying attention. When this occurs, the one who stonewalls is emotionally overwhelmed and shut down. If you are in this state you are highly anxious. If we were to take your heart rate at this time, it would be sky high.

The other person may think you don’t care, when you have shut down, but that is not true at all. It’s just that you need some time to calm down to be able to think straight. So if this is you, let your partner know you need a little break and will get back to him or her after you have time to calm down. You may need to go for a walk, do some deep breathing, or whatever it is you need to do to calm down.

Contempt

This is the bigest predictor of divorce according to Gottman and we must eliminate it. Contempt is acting as if you are superior to your partner, or that they are beneath you. An example would be, “You’re an idiot.” All name-calling must stop. This is destructive and abusive. The way to work on this is to show respect and appreciation for your partner. One homework assignment I give to many couples is to share 1 thing you love or appreciate about each other on a daily basis.

None of us like to be in conflict with our partner. It doesn’t feel good and it stirs us up emotionally. Remember, awareness is the first step to change. I know this is all easier said than done. If you are struggling with communication, please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can come up with a game plan to help you.

Take care,

Debbie