I recently saw an excellent seminar by Greg Fowers JD, LMFT from Center For Discovery titled ‘The Family Support Role In Eating Disorder Recovery.’
When a family member has an eating disorder no one knows what to do. Often times the things that may seem intuitively helpful are not. A common thing to say is, “Just eat and you’ll be fine.” Well if it were that simple, people wouldn’t get eating disorders. They occur due to a complicated interplay of biology, genetics, personality, culture and family dynamics.
Eating disorders are very difficult to understand, thus it is imperative that for family support of the eating disorder the members receive education in order to help their loved one.
People use eating disorders as a way to cope. According to Dalhanty and Greenberg 2007, “Starving numbs, binging soothes and vomiting provides relief.” They don’t know how to communicate in a healthy way with other family members. Working on interpersonal relationships and expressing emotions with in the family is key to recovery. Once the individual learns healthy ways of communicating and coping, the eating disorder no longer serves a purpose. Remember, all human behavior has some sort of purpose. It just may not be apparent to others- or make rational sense.
Tips For Family Support:
Having a set time to eat meals and snacks.
This provides predictability and safety. Having an eating disorder feels chaotic and out of control, thus established boundaries are needed.
Ask the individual how you can help.
As I mentioned earlier, what you think is helpful may not be. Asking how you can help also gives the person autonomy to express their individual needs. None of us knows exactly what someone needs until we ask.
Learn what you can about eating disorders.
Some wonderful places to get information are: NEDA, IADEP, Gurze catalogs.
Have open honest conversation.
This may be a new skill for the individual with the eating disorder as well as family members. Be sure to make it safe for the person to express him or herself. Based on how you react will give that person clues as to whether or not it is safe to continue. Even if you don’t like what the person has to say, just listen and empathize. As the person learns to express him or herself openly and honestly they will begin to heal.
Don’t criticize the individual or family members.
A person with an eating disorder is incredibly self-critical. They don’t need criticism of them self. Also watch if you criticize yourself. This encourages the dynamic of criticism within the family and will not help anyone.
Practice stress management skills.
You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. When a loved one has an eating disorder, it is emotionally draining on you. You may be essentially fighting for your child’s life. So be sure you are taking care of your physical, mental and emotional health.
Love your child.
It’s important that they feel that you love them for whom they are. If you are a parent, you are probable thinking, of course I love my child for who they are. You’d be surprised at what your child may feel. This is not to say you are not showing love, it’s just to say that they way you show it may not be how your child receives it. A wonderful book is the 5 Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman.
Validate your child’s feelings.
It’s easy to dismiss your child’s pain. As parents we say things such as, “You’ll be fine.” While that may be the case, it does not acknowledge the child’s (this can be adult child and parent relationship) emotional state in the moment. Those feelings may not make sense to you, but they do to your child.
Have fun.
Spend family time together in ways where food is not the focus. Go to the beach, go for a walk, play board games, watch a movie, or whatever it is you enjoy as a family.
Spend quality time with your child.
Be there for them at the end of the day. When doing so, give them your undivided attention, don’t do it while you are multitasking. This will make your child feel you are really there for them and that he or she is most important thing in the moment. Ask open needed questions, which means don’t ask questions that can be answered in 1 word. For example, a common question a parent would ask is, “How was school today?” The typical response is, “Fine.” Instead ask, “Tell me about your day.”
These are just a few tips for family support of the eating disorder. If you or someone you love struggles with an eating disorder, give me a call and we can work on having a normal relationship with food and family.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, PhD
