Do you feel that you are stuck in that relationship rut? Are you tired of the daily grind and going nowhere? Perhaps you are reading this because you already know the answer. Don’t worry, this happens to all of us. The good news is there is something you can do about it.

There is this myth perpetuated in our society, that you will get married and live happily ever after. If Cinderella can do it, why can’t you? When we first get into our relationship, they refer to it as the honeymoon phase. Everything your partner does is perfect. You can’t stop thinking about them, and you can’t wait to be with them. It’s like this magic drug that dulls all other problems. This honeymoon phase last from 6 months to 2 years.  Then you learn that your partner is human just like you. He or she does things that get on your nerves. Which by the way happens to everyone. There is no way you can live with someone and not irritate each other in some way shape or form.

You may begin to feel taken for granted and wonder where all the magic went. This is a sign your relationship is in a rut. It didn’t go anywhere; you just need to work at it. Perhaps you felt your relationship was so perfect that it would just exist on its own. You may be disenchanted that you too now have to work at your relationship.

Then enter children into the picture. Your focus now goes from each other to your child. This occurs naturally as the life of your child depends on you. Now it makes it even more difficult to focus on your relationship. Relationships do not grow by themselves. They become what you make of them.

How to get out of your relationship rut

Work on the basic friendship of your marriage

You might think this sounds crazy.  Of course you are friends. Think about it. Do you spend as much time talking to your partner as your closest same sex friend? Remember in the good old days you hang on your lovers every word? When is the last time the two of you had a deep serious conversation where you were really present for your partner. Try to be a better friend to your partner and see if this brings in new life to your relationship.

Transition time

These are the times in our day when we are leaving and coming home, and are very important. What does this look like with your partner? I have worked with couples when one person didn’t even know when the other person had left, or that they were home. When you leave, be sure to at least let your partner know you are going, even if it’s to run a quick errand. Say goodbye to your partner when you are leaving for work. When you get home, give them a warm welcome. At least say hello. At best, give them a nice hug and a kiss. Most people really like that. This is a quick and easy way to get out of your relationship rut.

Dinnertime

What is this like in your home? Do you sit together and have a meal? Do you eat at different times? Is it on the couch in front of the TV? This is the time of day to really connect with our partner. Enjoy it. Turn off the TV and leave your phones on the counter. If you aren’t doing this, you are missing out on something important. Research shows that children are less likely to get into drugs or trouble if they have family meals together. Something to think about if you have kids or plan on having them.

Evening time

What do your evenings look like? You might think that you spend every evening together, but how much time is really together? A common scenario is one of you gets drawn into your social media. The other person comes in, sees you on the phone and then goes off and does their own thing. When you are done on your phone, you make seek out your partner and find them on their phone. Then you don’t spend time together. How about planning certain activities to make sure you connect. Perhaps you like to walk or do some other exercise together. Maybe you could play cards or another game. You could watch a favorite TV show together. Also, it’s important to have a date night and go out on a regular basis.

What did you do that you no longer do?

It seems as if in the beginning of the relationship people do all kinds of sweet things that they no longer do. Your partner fell in love with you because of those things. This is a bait and switch. The sentiment is, now that I have you, I don’t need to try anymore. Wrong. We all need to keep working on our relationships. Maybe you used to write sweet notes or cards. Maybe you gave little gifts or were more affectionate. Whatever it was, go back to those things to help get some of that spark back. Doing so will help you out of your relationship rut.

What takes you away from your partner?

What prevents you from connecting? Does work bleed into home life? Maybe other friends and family take up your time. A lot of couples spend time on social media or their own activities. Have a conversation with your partner and find out what takes you away from each other. Then devise a plan for you to spend more time together and connect.

No one tells us how difficult relationships are and that we always have to breathe life into them. Or perhaps people told you and you didn’t pay attention to it because you were too much in love. It is much easier to work on your current relationship. We are creatures of habit and if you let this relationship go because it has lost its spark, you will repeat the same pattern. You will get in a new relationship, will be so in love, and then eventually get in a rut again.

If you are struggling in your marriage or experiencing relationship rut, give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get your relationship back on track.

Take care,

Debbie

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