Do you feel at times that you are giving 100% into your relationship and your partner is giving nothing? If so, you are not alone. This is something that happens often in relationships; so do not despair if you are in this situation.

We all show love in a certain way. The way we show love is the way we want to receive love. Unfortunately we often show love in a different way than our partner. You can be giving it all to your partner and your partner may feel that he or she is giving their all to you. Now if you are showing love in two different ways, it’s as if you are speaking fluent Spanish and your partner is speaking fluent Italian. You are both doing a great job of speaking, but you are totally missing the boat on each other because you are speaking different languages. Once you learn how to speak your partner’s language you can feel loved.

If you haven’t yet read Chapman’s book the Five Love Languages, I highly recommend you read it. It is a classic amongst couples and can explain so many different dynamics. You can take a quiz here to find yours.

The 5 Love Languages

Gift Giving

The gift giver obviously buys/gives things for the person they love. These don’t have to be expensive gifts, but they might be. The gift giver may know what you like and give you very thoughtful things. He or she might even pull some wildflowers and put them in a vase for you. It is some type of tangible symbol of their love for you.

Acts of Service

This person enjoys doing things for the person they love. It can be some sort of task or errand. They get things done on their honey do list to make you happy. Perhaps they pick up your dry cleaning or prescription at the drugstore. Maybe the person brings you your morning cup of coffee, or small things that make your life easier.

Quality time

As you might guess, if this is your love language, you want to spend time with your partner. Nothing says I love you more than doing some sort of activity or being together on an evening or weekend.

Just hanging out and not even doing anything special makes this person feel loved. Even if it’s short time period, having your partner’s undivided attention will make you feel special.

Physical touch

This person likes to be touched. This isn’t necessarily referring to sex, more the little unsolicited touches here and there. Perhaps the person starts massaging your shoulders when sitting at the table. Maybe they rub your back or your feet. Perhaps he or she just comes up and gives you a kiss for no special reason. This person most likely enjoys snuggling and holding hands.

Words of affirmation

This person likes to hear that they are doing a good job. These words will make them feel loved and appreciated. They want to hear that you love them. Calling them and sending them texts will mean a lot.

A personal example of love

My husband’s love language is acts of service. If he is outside washing his car, he will wash mine too. Early on in our marriage my thought process went something like this: “Why is he out there washing the cars? If I want my car washed it’s so much simpler to just go to the gas station and drive through the car wash.”

Because this isn’t my love language, it didn’t make me feel special. My love language is physical touch. I like holding hands, snuggling, having my back tickled etc. Those acts make me feel special.

However over time, I realized that he was washing my car because he loves me. So now if I notice him doing something special for me, I can feel loved, and be sure to thank him for doing so. He needs to feel appreciated.

Emotional Bank Account

We also have this notion of an emotional bank account. Whenever our partner does something kind for us, says something nice or makes us feel special, it counts as a deposit in our emotional bank account. If you or your partner yell, or get snippy with each other it counts as a withdrawal.

In healthy relationships for every withdrawal there is 5 deposits. So if you know your partner’s love language, it is easier to make a deposit. I often tell couples that by the time they end up in my office, their bank accounts are overdrawn.

If you are feeling like you are not special in your relationship, or are having trouble communicating, couples counseling can help. There are many tools I can teach you to get your relationship in a better place. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help.

Take care,

Debbie