One of the chapters in Gary Chapman’s book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married states that just because you are in love with someone does not mean you should marry them. When we meet that special someone that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, it is intoxicating. We are madly in love with them and assume these feelings of euphoria will last a lifetime. We think about this person all day long, as they are the most wonderful person in the world. However, in time we realize that these feelings diminish and we wonder what happened. Typically those feelings of intense love last about 2 years. At this time our differences appear and conflict may begin.
Often time’s people don’t consider the differences in interests or value systems (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, family, and social realms) and just think that because they are in love, they think they should get married. You don’t have to have all the same belief systems, you need to respect and honor the differences. You may wonder how to determine if this person you are in love with is the right person to marry. Of course in the beginning we all put our best foot forward. I heard someone say something that I really liked about relationships. She said, “The person you meet when you first start dating is the representative. You don’t get to know the real person for a long time.” This means that we don’t know a person until we know their history, their successes along with their failures.
Some people try to hide information that they might think would damage the relationship. Perhaps it’s something that happened in the past that they aren’t particularly proud of. You think that if my partner knew this about me, he or she would end the relationship. Yet if you do not tell your partner these things, and they find out after you are married, then it can be devastating and viewed as a betrayal. Trust can be shattered. I’ve worked with several couples that have hidden something from their partner that may have made them question if they wanted to be with that partner.
Yet, if you do tell your partner, admit your mistake, and shared what you learned from it, your relationship can become deeper and stronger. It is important to be able to have these difficult conversations, because you will be in many more difficult situations together in the years to come, and you need to be able to work through them. Dating gives you a chance at a trial run.
It’s also important that the relationship is equally supportive. That means that each of you give and take. It won’t work out if one person is always the giver and the other the taker. Again, this is a pattern that takes time to recognize.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Debbie
