Personal boundaries are a topic that many people struggle with. They may not even know it’s a problem because they are so caught up in the dysfunctional cycle that they think it is normal. Some times if you try to point it out they look flabbergasted or get defensive.
Clearly there is a difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. In toxic family systems or relationships if you set a boundary you are showing disrespect or being disloyal. If the system or relationship is healthy, setting a boundary shows respect and loyalty to you. When the person you are setting boundaries with is healthy, they will respect those boundaries and your relationship strengthens.
Regarding personal boundaries there are some things that are your responsibility and other things that are not. It can be challenging to tease these things apart because you want to maintain a relationship with these people, yet it might not always be possible.
Your responsibility when setting personal boundaries
Personal boundaries start with self-care
I always tell people, boundaries are to protect you, not make other people happy. Some people don’t like when you set boundaries because things will be different and the other person won’t get what they want.
Acknowledge your needs and wants
You get to determine what you are OK with and what you are not. I constantly tell people that your gut is your guide. Follow it. No one else knows it but you. If it doesn’t feel right, or you aren’t sure, don’t do it.
Respect your time
We all have a limited amount of free time. If one of your friends asks you to go out or help them with something and you want a quiet evening at home, that’s fine. You can always tell them that you have other plans. They don’t need to know that your plans involve reading a book and having a pet on your lap.
Leave a toxic situation
If someone is being rude, hurtful or abusive, leave. There is no need to stick around and suffer. I’ve had clients tell me that they have arguments for hours. I’m thinking, why would you engage that long? It sounds exhausting. Leave the situation. You can go some place else, the park, the mall, the gym or a friend/family member’s house. Nothing can be resolved until everyone calms down.
Say No if your personal boundaries are being pushed
If someone wants you to do something you don’t want to do say ‘no’. Peer pressure can be hard to resist. For instance if you don’t drink or don’t want another drink, say ‘no’. If they keep pressuring you, continue to remain firm. Eventually they will stop pestering you. Perhaps they think you aren’t fun because you don’t want to drink or have as much as them. That is fine, they can go out with other people, or you can choose to go out with friends who don’t pressure you.
Being mindful when you say yes
If you have a free and clear heart with the request, then say yes. If it sounds like fun, you have time or you want to help, then go for it.
What you are not responsible for when setting personal boundaries
To make other people happy
You should not sacrifice your own mental health to make other people happy. If you do, it will be a never-ending cycle. You will continue to be manipulated. Eventually you will have nothing left to give.
It is not your job to make someone else happy; it is up to that person.
Heal people
Anyone who is hurting or has a trauma needs to heal him or herself. You can be there to support them, but it is their journey. I can’t tell you how many people try to help or fix another person. A perfect example is alcohol or substance abuse. If you continue to ‘help’ them, you will only enable the behavior.
Don’t sacrifice your personal boundaries for the relationship
It takes two to work on a relationship. If one person is not willing to do their part then it is not worth it. You cannot make the relationship work on your own.
Compromise all the time
Again, a relationship takes two. Yes, you should compromise some time. Yet so should your partner. What do you think happens if you are always the one to compromise? Eventually you will feel taken advantage of. You begin to feel resentful because your voice isn’t being heard.
Walk on eggshells
If you are in a toxic relationship you will feel that you have to walk on eggshells. It’s very anxiety evoking. You aren’t sure what to do because you want to avoid upsetting the other person. They are like a ticking time bomb; you never know when they will blow. It’s important that the other person gets help, you do couples counseling, or your leave the relationship. This is not sustainable.
Anticipate their needs
No one is a mind reader; you cannot know what someone else needs. They may think it’s obvious, but it is not. Remember, we were all raised differently and have different life experiences. Thus, what is normal amongst your family and friends is different from your partner. As a result, our needs and expectations are different. Let your partner know what your needs are. That is the only way they will know.
Change to make you happy
You are fine the way you are. Your partner knows who you are. If they want you to change and you are OK with what they are unhappy with, then there is no reason to change. I’ve had clients whose partners want them to change their clothing after they have gotten dressed. Or they want them to act a certain way. If it’s not what you want, don’t do it. If you are open to change and want that, then go for it.
Boundaries are things that we all deal with on a regular basis. You may not be aware of it, because your boundaries are already set and you don’t give it a second thought. Yet many people want to make others happy, and will bend over backwards to do so.
If you struggle with boundaries, or are not sure if yours are healthy, give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can find out.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas
