Losing someone we love is one of the most difficult things we can go through. This happens or will happen to all of us. The grief we feel can seem overwhelming based on how close we were to this person. Most of us go through a period of mourning. Over time the intensity tends to fade. It certainly doesn’t mean we forget about this person, it means the depth of our grief tends to decrease. However, people with prolonged grief struggle longer and have difficulty moving through this process.

This process is not linear. We may be in a decent place with our grief, and then out of nowhere we may be crying over how much we miss this person. Triggers and reminders of this person may be all over the place. It can be a song, a smell, a memory, or a place. All of these are reminders of us of that person. I heard someone say it perfectly; “I’m OK until I’m not OK.”

The difference between normal grief and prolonged grief is explained below. In addition, you can see that are several things that can be done if you are struggling with prolonged grief.

Normal grief

You may wonder, is my grief normal? In the beginning your emotions will be all over the place. Some people experience anger, guilt or numbness. These typically last about a year. Each persons experience will be different. Below are some phases of normal grief.

Learning to accept the reality of your pain and loss

Experience the pain that comes with grieving

Readjusting to your life and realizing that person is no longer there

Having other relationships

These symptoms slowly decrease over time.

Risk factors for prolonged grief disorder (Mayo clinic/APA)

They don’t know what causes it. For some reason it tends to occur more in women.

Sudden death or death due to violence

This could be due to some sort of trauma, such as car accident, murder or suicide

Loss of a child

If you are very close or dependent on the person who passes

Being a caregiver for the individual

Having no friends or family members to lean on for support

History of mental illness

Struggles with depression, anxiety or PTSD can make you more vulnerable

Growing up with abuse, neglect or other trauma

Other intense life stressors

Symptoms of prolonged grief (APA)

If 3 of these symptoms occur almost every day for the past month, someone would receive this diagnosis. These symptoms last longer that what is considered normal, ie. more than 1 year after the persons passing.

Disruption of ones identity

For example, feeling as if you died along with this person.

A significant feeling of disbelief about the death

Avoiding thins that remind you of the person’s death

Significant emotional pain about the death

These feeling can include anger, sorrow or bitterness

Trouble fitting back into your old life

This could be having difficulties with friends, engaging in things you typically enjoy, or planning events in the future

Emotional numbing

You may not be able to feel other emotions like you did in the past

A sense that life has no meaning

Debilitating loneliness

Having feelings that you are alone, or a sense of detachment from others

Treatment for prolonged grief disorder

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

This is a well-researched form of therapy that many people find helpful. It challenges your negative thinking patterns that keep you stuck. It can help you open up to more realistic ways of thinking. Also, it can help you learn new coping skills, and process your emotions. Talking about your feelings in a nonjudgmental atmosphere can be very healing.

Grief education

Sometimes you may wonder if your feelings are normal or not. You may wonder if you are going crazy. Maybe you are confused as you see others crying but you feel numb.

As a result, learning more about grief can help you work through the process. It can reduce your feelings of isolation, shame or guilt.

Support groups

These groups can help you process your emotions with other people who are also grieving. It can provide you a safe place to open up and not feel judged. This group can help you feel less alone and isolated.

Relaxation techniques

Practicing, mindfulness or meditation can help calm your mind. Other tools such as breathing exercises (478 breathing, square breathing) are also helpful. In addition, there are other techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery that can reduce your stress.

Self-care

Taking care of yourself will help you through the process. Eating right, exercising, and talking to others will help. Using drugs or alcohol as a way to cope will only make things worse.

Medication

Some people want nothing to do with medication and that is fine. However if you have tried the above tools and are still struggling, there is nothing wrong with getting something to help with sleep or to decrease your distress. Other people are happy to take something to ease their pain. There is no wrong or right. You choose what is best for you.

As you can see there is a difference between normal grief and prolonged grief disorder. It mostly comes down to normal grief that doesn’t decrease over time and prevents you from living the life you want.

If you struggle with normal grief or prolonged grief, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and I can help you work through the process.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas