What is self-sabotage?

Do you self-sabotage? You are most likely your own worst enemy. Do you say things to yourself that you would never say to others? Many people are much harder on themselves. Perhaps you are someone who self-sabotages. This can get in the way of accomplishing your goals and impact your job and relationships. This may be due to fear of failure/success, or some other reason. Maybe you don’t feel like you are good enough, or never will be good enough. We know that these are not rational thoughts. Realistically none of us are better than anyone else. We are all human beings trying to make the best of things in our world.

Some common things people do to self-sabotage include procrastination, alcohol and substance abuse, disordered eating, excess spending, lack of follow through, or self-harm. Many of us may engage in some of these behaviors from time to time, however self-sabotage tends to be a consistent pattern of behavior that causes significant problems in your life.

Why do people self-sabotage?

Often times people who self-sabotage have some negative thinking patterns. These destructive thoughts make the person feel worse about them self and prevent them from accomplishing what they’d like. They may tell themselves that they can’t do it, or don’t want to try because things never work out for them.

Individuals who self-sabotage have low self-esteem and may feel worthless. Some of them are perfectionists. If the bar for success is so high, you will never reach it. Thus you won’t feel good about yourself. Maybe you were the family scapegoat growing up. Criticism was dumped upon you and as a result you start telling yourself the same things others said about you. Perhaps you keep people away because you can’t trust them, or others continually let you down. This behavior just reinforces the pattern of behavior.

How to stop self-sabotage

Identify your self-sabotage behaviors

Is there one thing you do to harm yourself or get in the way of your goals? Or do you do a few things? Make a list of the things you do, so you will be more aware of these unhelpful behaviors. Recognizing you are engaging in these is the first step to change.

Challenge negative thinking

Learn to challenge your negative thinking. Listen to your self-talk, or better yet, write it down. Once you see exactly what you are saying to yourself you can start poking holes in your theory. Where is the evidence in what you are saying about yourself?

For example, if you tell yourself that you won’t succeed at a task because you never do. Think about a time you were successful. My guess is that you have had many successes along the way, and you don’t give yourself credit for it.

Reflect on your feelings

If you can, just before or after you do something that isn’t good for you, see if you can figure out what you are feeling. For example, maybe you had a bad day at work, so you went home and drank excessively, ate too much, shopped online too much, or picked a fight with someone. Ask yourself how long it felt good to engage in these behaviors. My guess it is was short lived.

Express your feeling in a healthy way

Now that you have thought about that feeling, is there a better way to handle it or express it? Would it help to talk to someone about your day? Some find it helpful to journal their feelings. Maybe going for a walk, meditation or yoga helps. Do you have a beautiful garden? If so, why not sit outside and smell the roses. If you have a pet, spend some time snuggling with it.

Sit with it

This may seem counterintuitive, as who wants to sit with uncomfortable feelings? Sometimes it helps to just feel the feelings. We are all wired for the same emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly. Recognize that this is part of the human experience. Perhaps you can offer yourself some self-compassion, reminding yourself that this is a difficult situation, and that you will get through it.

What would you tell someone else?

Another activity that is helpful when you are beating yourself up about something is to ask yourself what you’d say to a loved one in the same situation. Use that same loving tone of voice with the words of comfort. Say them to yourself.

Set goals

Recognize what you want the future to look like whether it is with work or relationships. When you are experiencing something difficult in one of these situations, think about how to act. Ask yourself if this action or behavior will move you towards your goals or away from them. This should help make decision making a little easier.

Ease up on yourself

Remind yourself that you are moving forward and doing the best you can. You didn’t become this way overnight, so you won’t change overnight. Sometimes it’s 2 steps forward and one step back. Use each instance as a learning experience and try to go a little better next time.

If this is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie