You hear it all the time, that someone has had an affair. People always ask why did it happen or how did it happen? It’s not always a simple reason and can be due to many factors. Perhaps the person in the affair is you, and you never imagined that you would find yourself in that situation.
People typically don’t just set out and think they are going to have an affair. They somehow just fall into it. It happens so slowly. Perhaps it starts as a small flirtation, a look of interest, or a connection. Sometimes it happens over a quick cup of coffee. Maybe you are having lunch together. You enjoy this persons company and they make you feel alive again.
According to William Harley in his book His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, there are 10 needs in relationships. Some of these tend to be more traditionally female and the others male. These are the areas to look at. He has a questionnaire with these items to determine, how great the need is for you, and how well your partner meets those needs. If the need isn’t all that important to you and the need isn’t met, no big deal. However, if it is something that is very important to you and it is not met, then your marriage may be vulnerable.
Needs in Marriage to Prevent Affair
Affection
This can refer to physical touch, not sexual. It can be different things for different people. Perhaps you like holding hands in public, or like to snuggle up to your partner while sitting on the couch. Maybe you like your shoulder rubbed, feet massaged, or having your partner kiss your cheek.
It may also mean things such as cards, sweet notes, texts, flowers or other indicators of affection.
Sexual fulfillment
This refers to sexual satisfaction. Are you having sex as often as you’d like? Often times one person has a higher sex drive than the other. How do you negotiate the differences? Is your partner able to please you in ways you like? Do you feel comfortable discussing your needs and wants in the bedroom? All these fall into this category.
Intimate conversation
Intimate conversation involves discussions about your feelings, dreams, needs, opinions etc. Do you feel like your partner listens and cares about what you have to say?
Recreational companionship
This involves activity. Do you do some things together such as play a sport? Do you take walks together, go to the gym or exercise together? It certainly doesn’t mean that you do all activity together, but some leisure activity that gives both of you enjoyment. Maybe you take a cooking class, music or art class together.
Honesty and openness
Some people are closed off. They have built up walls from past or current experiences. This can be problematic in relationships. Can you talk about you negative emotions as well as your positive emotions? This can also involve your hopes, dreams and plans.
Physical attractiveness
How important is it to you that your partner is attractive (this can be looks, grooming or sexual attractiveness). Is it a deal breaker if they gain weight? Some people feel they can gain 50 pounds and their partner would still love them just the same. Others are not OK with a weight gain.
Financial support
How important is money to you? Some people are happy with just the basics. Others want to live a more lavish lifestyle. Are you at a desirable standard of living for your needs?
Domestic support
Does your partner help around the house or with the kids? Some people are happy to take on the bulk of this as they feel it’s their job. Others expect their partner to do much more.
Family commitment
How much time does your partner spend with you and your family? Is this person around as much as you’d like, or do they spend more time with their friends than you are comfortable with? Are they giving you and the kids the moral and educational support required? All of these fall in the family commitment category.
Admiration
This refers to feeling respected and valued in your relationship. Do you feel that your partner appreciates you? Or do you find yourself resentful that your opinions are not important?
Perhaps you didn’t even realize that these are some basic needs in relationships. Often time’s people aren’t aware of these to even recognize that their partner does not meet these needs. Then all of a sudden, someone comes into your life and provides that need for you. This is often how affairs happen.
Types of affair
Emotional affair
In this type of affair, there is an emotional connection. Perhaps you are sharing things with this person that you don’t share with your partner. Maybe you are texting them all day long. You are giving them more of your time and emotional energy than your spouse. Perhaps you are daydreaming about this person all day long.
Sexual affair
With the sexual affair, it is all about sex. There is no emotional connection. Perhaps you are just meeting for sex and not spending time together or sharing personal aspects about yourself.
Combined affair
The combined affair has both the sexual and the emotional aspects of a relationship. This type is the most destructive to your primary relationship. When there is an emotional component of the relationship, it is more difficult to end.
If getting your needs met in your relationship is a challenge for you, please contact me at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
