When there is something you need to discuss that can be a potential hot spot with your partner, here are some tips to have a more desirable outcome.

  1. Pick a time when both of you are calm to have the discussion. If you are upset, you are more likely to be on the defensive and it will be difficult for you to see your partner’s point of view. This isn’t necessarily about agreeing with your partner, it’s about giving each of you a chance to share your side of the issue.
  2. Each person needs a chance to speak, while the other person listens. It is actually harder to sit and list. Conversation is usually a dynamic process where both people are speaking back and forth. This means the speaker will talk uninterrupted to share his or her opinion. There will not be any response until the speaker has finished all he or she has to say.
  3. Only discuss the issue at hand. So often when an argument or discussion ensues, couples will bring up past issues, and say things such as, “Well you did that to me”, or “this isn’t as bad as the time you…” etc. We can’t go back and change the past, so it’s important to leave it there (at least for this conversation). If there are wounds in the past to be addressed, than can be at another time.
  4. Watch your tone. You may not think your tone has changed, or you may be trying very hard to control it, but your partner knows you better than anyone and can tell when there is the slightest irritation. If your partner responds to your tone, then things can easily escalate. Once your voices are raised, you might as well stop talking about the issue, as you will not be in a position to understand your partner’s point of view. Some people mistakenly think that if I just talk louder, my partner will understand me. Just the opposite will happen.
  5. Try to find a compromise. It is important that each of you feel that you are heard and understood, and if there is something that can work for each of you, then that is ideal. Remember, there is no winning an argument, because if one person wins, the other loses. The loser may harbor resentment, which isn’t good for a long-term relationship.
  6. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. On certain issues there may not be a compromise. One of you may have to give in on an issue this time. It would be ideal if your partner were the one to give in the next time.
  7. Thank each other for taking the time to listen. Let your partner know that you appreciate that he or she was willing to take the time to sit down and discuss the issue. It is ideal when each of you feels heard, understood and respected in the situation, even if the outcome was not as you had wished.

Communication is the main reason couples come in for marriage counseling, couples counseling or pre-marital counseling. If this is something you struggle with, don’t hesitate to give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie