Communication

Probably the most common reason for couples to attend therapy is due to problems with communication. Many people don’t know how to address conflict in a way that is effective. Most of us learn how to address conflict from our parents and unfortunately our parents were not only the best teachers. Perhaps they were explosive and screamed at each other, or perhaps there appeared to be no conflict.

Realistically conflict exists in all relationships. There is no way two people can come together from different worlds and not have differing points of view. Just because you don’t fight, doesn’t mean there isn’t conflict. For some people they sweep things under the rug, they avoid conflict and just hope it will go away. This may work in the short term, but it’s just a recipe for long term resentment.

The goal is for each person to feel heard, understood and respected. You may never have the same point of view on the situation and sometimes you need to agree to disagree. I always say if one person ‘looses’ the argument, you both loose, because the person may end up feeling resentful. It needs to be a win-win for both of you.

Often time the person wanting to address conflict puts the other person on the defensive. Once this has occurred, your partner will not be able to hear you and understand you in the way that you want, as they are too busy trying to protect themselves.

Here are some tips on how to address conflict.

  1. Start with an ‘I’ statement. Doing so will keep your partner open to what you are saying. If you start with the word ‘you’ you put your partner on the defensive as you are assigning blame.
  2. State what you are feeling in the situation. No one can deny your feelings. We all feel the way we do based on our past experiences and how we know the world to work, which is very different from our partner. Many couples make the mistake that their partner would feel the same way that they do. This is often not the case.
  3. State what your need or desire is in the situation. Behind every complaint is a specific desire. Most partners are willing to do what you want within reason; they may not have known your needs. Many people make the mistake of thinking that your needs or desires should be obvious (most often the female). However, no one can read your mind.

Let me give you an example of how this would work. Let’s say that your partner tells you that he or she will be home at 8:00 and they don’t get home until 10:00. When they arrive, you can either say, “Where the heck have you been? You said you’d be home at 8:00. That will put your partner on the defensive, and you are most likely going to get the response that you want or need. However if you say, “I (starting with an I statement) was really worried (feeling) about you. I thought you’d be home by 8:00 and here it is 10:00. Would you please let me know in the future if you will be running late (your need, desire)? You’d get a better response with the second response.

This is something I discuss with just about every couple that comes through my door. If communication is a problem in your relationship, or if you are dealing with some challenges in your relationship, don’t hesitate to call me at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie