Boundary violations are something that many people struggle with. Perhaps you go to therapy for your anxiety or depression, yet part of what might be underlying the issue is difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Maybe you aren’t even sure what healthy boundaries look like. Or you thought you grew up with healthy boundaries, because that’s all you know. Yet you realize as you talk to others, that they may not have been healthy.
Why setting boundaries is hard (Nedra Glover Tawwab)
You interpret it as being mean
Just because you think it seems mean, doesn’t mean the other person will interpret it that way. If someone tells you no, do think they are being mean? Or do you just accept no and move on?
Are you able to read the other persons mind? You won’t know how the other person feels until you experiment with it.
You think it is rude
The way you assert your boundaries will make a big difference. It you tend to hold it in for a long period of time, then blow up, it might appear rude. There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary. You can do so in a calm, yet assertive voice. It is important to do this before you get too upset. I always tell people; if you aren’t sure if you should say something, sleep on it. If it is still bothering you the next day, then say something about it.
People pleasing
This is very challenging if you are a people pleaser. If you are one, you want everyone to like you and be happy at the same time. People pleasers tend to waste a lot of time worrying about the needs of others.
Do you really think it is possible to make everyone happy all the time? What if you are with 2 other people who want different things? There is no way they will both be happy.
You also probably say yes to too many things at your own expense. Over time, you will become burnt out and resentful. You may even feel taken advantage of.
Realistically, when you set a boundary some people will not like it. Boundaries are not to make other people happy, but to take care of you. If the relationship ends because you set a boundary, you are better off without them. There are plenty of people who will respect your boundaries and will still like you just the same. They may even respect you more for taking care of yourself.
Anxiety about relationship moving forward
What happens when you set that boundary? Do you fear that things will be awkward moving forward? If you act awkward, it will be awkward.
The best thing you can do after setting a boundary is to be just as you were before you set the boundary. What ever the norm is for the 2 of you, continue in the same way.
You feel you have no power setting boundaries
In this case, you think that no one will listen to your boundaries. Perhaps you have tried in the past and it didn’t work. The way you assert yourself makes a difference. In addition, it is imperative that you uphold your boundary. If you set it and don’t enforce it, you will teach others that your boundaries are not firm. In addition, they need to be clear and direct.
You think your value comes from helping others
Perhaps your identity is being a helper to others. You can be a helper, yet set limits. For instance if your friend is moving over the weekend, and asked for your help, you don’t have to give up your whole weekend. You can say that you are available from 10-2 on Saturday. You can ask the person if they would prefer help packing or unpacking. Or let them know you can help with the packing, but not moving furniture.
Remember, if you give yourself away, you will have nothing left for you.
Projecting your feelings about saying no to the other person
Maybe you hate it when people say no to you, so you don’t want to say no to them. Realistically, how do you know how they feel? Are you mind reading again? Perhaps they are fine with you saying no. There are plenty of people who will give a healthy response such as, “Thank you anyways.”
You don’t know what setting boundaries looks like
If you grew up in a home with very few or unhealthy boundaries, you may have no idea of what a healthy boundary looks like. Having a discussion with someone with healthy boundaries will be very helpful. There are all kinds of resources for learning how to set boundaries, such as books, the Internet, or therapy.
You don’t think you can have boundaries in certain relationships
Maybe you think you can’t set a boundary with your mother. I’d encourage you to reframe it, as I don’t know how to set boundaries with my mother. Setting boundaries within families is probably the most difficult. You can set boundaries with anyone you want. Perhaps your mother will respond better than you think. Regardless, she will still most likely love you the same as she always has. She might not like your boundary, but that is OK. Your boundary is to make you feel safe.
If you struggle with boundary setting, therapy can help. There are all kinds of tools that I can teach you to help you become more successful.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas PhD
