We all get a little anxious if we are going to a social event where we don’t know many people. This is normal. However, those with social anxiety disorder may avoid these events as they have an intense fear that people are judging them in a negative fashion. The individual may fear they said the wrong thing, didn’t wear the proper clothing, offended someone, or ruminate about the event. They assume that something is wrong with them which leads to shame. Avoiding social situations is also a symptom. To receive this diagnosis the anxiety must be bad enough to prevent the person from fully engaging in life.

Triggers for social anxiety disorder

Going to event with new people

Some people may dread meeting new people. They don’t know what to say or how to start a conversation with someone they don’t know. Even if they know some people, they may worry about group conversations, when to speak up, or what to do if someone compliments them.

Performance

Someone with social anxiety will fret over a group project or class presentation. These things might be terrifying to them. They may refrain from speaking up at group meetings or not want to eat in front of other people.

Evaluation

Common situations that involve evaluation such going on a job interview or a date are another trigger. They may fear feedback or any kind of criticism. Comparing themselves to others and coming up short is also common.

Social appearance

Some may fear that they don’t look good enough. They may have concerns that they are weird or awkward. Others don’t like to have their picture taken.

Treatment for social anxiety disorder

Thankfully there are a variety of treatments that many people find helpful.

Mindfulness

When you have social anxiety, it’s almost as if there are 2 conversations going on at once. One is in your head, and the other is the social situation you are in.

Mindfulness involves being in the present moment without judgment. This means paying attention to what is going on with the situation. Bring in your 5 senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. When you are mindful, it brings you into the moment and takes you out of your head.

You don’t have to pay attention to your thoughts. Also remember that you don’t have to become involved in them. Let your thoughts fade into the background noise.

Cognitive restructuring

When you use cognitive restructuring, you are reframing the situation. Instead of the negative critical thought, what is a more realistic way of looking at things?

You can look at it like an experiment. Be curious. Is there proof that what you are thinking is true? For instance, let’s say you are afraid that you said something stupid. Is there any proof? Did anyone tell that what you said was dumb? Did people walk away from you?

Even if you did or say something offensive what would you do? We all put our foot in our mouths at some point in life. What about apologizing? Most people will accept your apology. Remind yourself that you are human, and you made a mistake. No one is going to remember what happened a week later.

Assertion

This is a way of increasing confidence vs. become anxious or avoiding the situation. One way to do this is to imagine that your fear comes true. It can be helpful to practice, or role play what you would say in that situation. You can do this by yourself or with someone you trust and feel safe with. You can write them down or practice out loud. Start with something less threatening, then move on to more severe thoughts. This way you will become surer of yourself if there is an awkward situation.

Changing core beliefs with social anxiety disorder

This helps to decrease the shame involved with social anxiety disorder. As a result, self-esteem and self-confidence should improve. Shame and perfectionism decrease.

Some common core beliefs include that there is something wrong with me. I’m boring, weird, unattractive, not good enough etc. Often those with social anxiety disorder are perfectionists. They fear that if they are not perfect others won’t like them. As a result, they are constantly trying to people please.

A way to work on this is to write down your core beliefs about being defective. Work on restructuring these beliefs. What is good about them? There is something positive about all of them. You might not be able to see it now.

Write down times when you handled social situations well. My guess is that you do often. You focus on the negative, whereas no one else does. These times where you handled yourself well, what was different. Pay attention.

If you were confident and felt good about yourself what would be different? Also think about people you look up to. What kind of core beliefs do you think they have?

If someone you loved asked for help with their negative core beliefs, what would you say to them?

Many people struggle with social anxiety. If you or someone you love does, give me a call. We can work on these tools together so you can live the life you deserve.

Take care,

Debbie