Avoiding conflict isn’t good for relationships

Some people think that their relationship is great because they are not fighting or avoiding conflict. Do you really think it is possible to live with someone long term and not get on each others nerves at some point in time? If you do, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise at some point in time by not discussing conflict.

Why people may be avoiding conflict

Don’t like yelling

Just because you address conflict doesn’t mean that you have to yell. Perhaps there was a lot of conflict growing up and the loudness of it all triggers past pain or fear. Maybe as a child you had to hide in a closet or cover your head with a pillow so you didn’t hear it all. Maybe you had to comfort a younger sibling who was afraid of the yelling, or perhaps you went to a sibling for comfort.

Parents didn’t address conflict

If mom and dad didn’t resolve conflict in front of you, you may think it is not OK to have any conflict. Or if something bothers you, you keep it to yourself.

Our parents are our role models for how to address conflict. So if avoiding conflict is what you grew up with, then it appears normal. Most of us didn’t have parents who sat us down and said, “This is how you address conflict in a way where you can each feel heard, understood and respected.”

Minimize it

Your partner may tell you that you are making a big deal about nothing. This can leave you feeling a sense of frustration or invalidation. You may start to question if your feelings are valid. I always tell clients that if you aren’t sure if you should address it, then sleep on it. The next day if it still bothers you, it is important to say something.

Bring up the past

Another dynamic couples use for avoiding conflict is bring up the past. This may occur when you attempt to address conflict, and your partner doesn’t acknowledge or take responsibility for their action. Instead they might tell you how you did the same thing in the past, or what they have done doesn’t compare to what you do.

It is easiest to address conflict in the moment. If one of us brings up the past, we cannot address anything. We get bogged down in all our previous wrong doings and what is going on in the moment is lost. There is no way to get rid of the past, only make amends and move forward.

Now if there is some past hurt that you need to address bring it up at a different time.

Make it sound as if you are the problem

Sometimes one person in the relationship tells you that they are not doing anything wrong, or that everyone they know is doing what they are doing.

They tell you that it wouldn’t be a problem if you didn’t bring it up. This makes you feel as if it your fault. This is especially true if you are trying to address your partner’s drinking/drugging. The denial of the person using is huge.

Become passive aggressive

Some people become passive aggressive instead of addressing the issue. They say nothing in the moment, leading you to believe that everything is fine. However, later they do something to get back at you. Perhaps they think, well since he/she did this then I’m going to/not going to do this.

This is ineffective; because the other person has no clue as to why you are behaving the way you are, which makes it look like you are creating conflict.

Stuff things down

We can only stuff things down for so long. It takes emotional energy to do so and we all have our breaking points. This may come out as an anger outburst. Maybe what is occurring is the straw that broke the camel’s back. So the response may be above and beyond what is necessary in the situation.

If you don’t speak up you may get to the point where your feelings for your partner die. You can only go so long without a voice. Or you may even feel as if you have lost yourself in the relationship, as you do not speak up for your needs. In extreme cases you may not even know what your needs/wants are anymore.

Fear of how your partner will respond

Some people don’t speak up because they are afraid. The other person may wonder why you don’t speak up, not even realizing the things they do to keep you from doing so.

I’ve had couples where one partner was angry about a situation that was out of the other person’s control. The person who was being yelled at had more concern about their partner being upset, and apologizing, when this partner did nothing wrong. I wonder how long can that dynamic work?

Waiting too long to address it

If your partner needs to know that you did something he or she won’t like, the sooner you let him/her know, the better. Think of how this person will feel if they find out about it from someone else, or it was a small problem that you could nip in the bud. The person may feel that it was a betrayal, or that you tried to hide something.

How to address conflict

It is best to set a time to address the issue, or wait until things cool down.

When addressing conflict, you want to be careful to watch your tone. Tone can make the difference between a resolution and an escalation of the issue.

Start with an “I” statement. This prevents the other person from becoming defensive.

Next state your feeling. This can range from a whole host of feelings: mad, sad, fearful, ignored, hurt, disgust, unimportant, etc.)

Finally state your positive need that is not being met. Remember, behind every complaint is a positive need that is not being met.

Communication and conflict resolution are the main reasons couples come to therapy. If avoiding conflict is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie