Couples counseling is traditionally done with two people in the room. This makes obvious sense hence the term couples counseling. When we conduct this type of therapy we get each person’s perspective on what is going on and what needs to change. Often times there are different perspectives, so it certainly helps to have both of them. There is always the possibility that if you go by yourself, your partner may decide to join you at some point in time. Perhaps the other person will feel that he or she wants to tell their side of the story, maybe not.

I will tell you, most people are more than happy to tell you all of their partners’ flaws and the way that person needs to change. If only he or she would do this (fill in the blank) everything would be fine in our relationship. Realistically it takes 2 to create a problem in a relationship. You both keep circling around the same dance or issue. Being in couples counseling is about understanding the way in which you contribute to the unhealthy cycle.

That being said, sometimes your partner is unwilling or unable to come to couples counseling. Often times the male feels that he should be able to ‘fix’ the relationship as men are good at being the ‘fix it’ person. Sometimes this is reversed, but more often than not it is the male.  One person may feel that they are a failure if they need to get help from someone else, or that he or she will be told that the relationship issues are their fault. The issues in the relationship are not due to one person’s flaws, but in the way you interact with each other.

You might think, why bother coming to therapy if my partner won’t come with me? If you are concerned about your relationship and your partner doesn’t want to come in, then you can do something about it. Thus, I will tell you why coming in solo can help your relationship.

Okay, so let’s get down to why coming solo can help. As I mentioned earlier, each person plays a piece in the relationship dance. If you behave in a different way, your partner will be thrown off balance and have to react differently. You might not understand how this can happen, or be afraid to try something new.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you are insecure and think your partner is cheating on you-even though he or she has never given you any reason to be suspicious. This could be due to your past relationship. Maybe your partner cheated on you, or one of your parents cheated in their relationship. So if you badger your partner and ask him or her where they are every minute of the day, or make comments about them being with other people, then you will push your partner away. The more you try to get answers or accuse that person, the more you push them away. This only increases your suspicions. They may be staying away as to avoid your badgering. If you stop pestering the person, they will want to be around you more.

I always say that relationships are like cats. What happens when you chase a cat? It runs away. What happens with the cat when you sit back and do nothing? It eventually comes to you. Our relationships are the same way. If we are patient, our partner will come to us.

Realistically I do couples counseling for one all the time. Whenever I am doing individual counseling, issues in the relationship will surface. You get to share your perspective and don’t have to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings. It’s actually easier to do it this way, as we can only focus on what you bring to the table, as you are the only one in the room. Once we pinpoint what you do that is not helpful, we can come up with ways to help you behave in a more functional manner, or set healthy boundaries. Then you can try them out and see if they work.

I know this is all easier said than done. It’s uncomfortable for us to act in new and healthier ways. The old ways are so comfortable and fit us like our favorite pair of shoes.

If you are willing to try this and your relationship still doesn’t work out, you will have peace of mind knowing that you did everything you could to save the relationship. In addition, the skills you learn can be used in your relationships with friends and family. We are all creatures of habit and it’s never too late to learn healthy relationship skills.

If this is something I can help you with please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie