Are you in a relationship with someone who can’t remember to do their share of the chores, is easily distractible, doesn’t seem to pay attention, is impulsive, or starts tasks and doesn’t finish them? Perhaps this person has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I have two adult children with this. Thus, I can tell you that this can drive you crazy. However, once you learn more about this disorder, you will have a greater understanding of what is really going on and perhaps gain more patience.
A client recently shared a wonderful article with me on adult ADHD. Unfortunately I don’t have the source of the article to give the organization credit. All it said on top of the article was Help Guide. So if this information sounds familiar to you or you recognize the source, please let me know.
If you have ADHD
Typically the person with ADHD feels like their partner is constantly nagging them or reminding them of all the things they forgot to do. You may think you can’t do anything right or feel overwhelmed. Perhaps you feel controlled or just tell your partner whatever he or she wants to hear. Regardless, this is not a good dynamic.
If you live with someone with ADHD
If you are living with the person with ADHD, you might feel frustrated or at your wits end. You wonder how difficult it can be for a person to put clothes in the hamper or take out the trash. Thus, you might feel like this persons parent needing to constantly be on his or her case. Everything seems to fall on your shoulders. Again this is not a good dynamic for the relationship.
How to improve your dynamics
The first step would be for the two of you to educate yourselves on ADHD and better understand the symptoms. Recognize that your brains are wired differently. The person with ADHD is not lazy or doing things to get on your nerves. He or she just needs some help on managing their symptoms. Once you have a better understanding it may be easier to change the dynamics so you don’t have the same fights over and over again. You may also feel relieved.
If you live in Houston, there is a wonderful library called the Neuhaus center. They have different kinds of books and workshops on ADHD and learning disabilities. I highly recommend making a trip as they have a wealth of information.
How the person with ADHD may feel
Misunderstood
You might recognize that you are different from others. They seem to be better able to follow directions or be organized. You might feel misunderstood.
Can’t keep up
You are most likely feeling overwhelmed, or that you are struggling to get everything done. It may feel like a daily battle.
Feel like a child
Your partner is always telling you what to do, or reminding you of things. It may feel like you are living with your mother.
Embarrassed
You may wonder yourself why you can’t keep up or remember to do things that aren’t that difficult. Shame might creep in.
Unloved
Everyone is on your case-at home and at work. You just want to be accepted for who you are. Can’t they see you are trying?
Fearful of failure
You have tried several times and still can’t seem to do it all. At times you might wonder why you should even bother to try and just give up.
How the partner of someone with ADHD may feel
Unloved
You partner may not remember things that are important to you, so you feel he or she doesn’t care about you. You don’t get the attention you need or crave.
Resentful
If anything gets done around the house, or plans are made it falls on your shoulders. After awhile resentment builds up and you most likely become angry.
Disregarded
Perhaps you have made suggestions on how to better help your partner to remember things. If only he or she would do what you suggested there wouldn’t be a problem. It all seems so simple in your mind.
Tired
Everything falls on your shoulders. If you didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. You may even wonder why you married this person, as they certainly don’t make your life any easier.
How to improve your relationship
The first step is recognizing the piece you each play in the dynamics that don’t help. The way you communicate and the tone in which you use are critical. Remember you are both on the same team.
End the parent-child relationship
It’s important to change the parent-child dynamic, as this will destroy any relationship. Recognize when your partner does something right. Know that the person may forget things but that certainly doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Remember to ask them to do only do one thing at a time. Their working memory is not as good as yours and it’s difficult to maintain a lot of information at one time.
Treatments
If you are the person with ADHD, have you done anything to work on your symptoms? Have you read up on ways to improve or remember things? Would you be open to medication, joining an ADHD group, or seeing a therapist to get tools to help you? Remember your symptoms aren’t going to go away on their own. Perhaps there are some things you can do that will make your spouse feel special. When you were dating were there some special things you did-such as write sweet notes or bring flowers? If so making them feel special will make them feel loved. If they feel more full emotionally, they are more likely to have more patience for you.
Communicate effectively
Work on your communication. Try to do this at a time when neither of you is frustrated. Sit down and talk about ways to improve. If the discussion gets too heated, agree to come back and discuss when emotions aren’t so high. Just remember you may be making assumptions about your partner that are not true.
It may be helpful to ask the ADHD spouse what chores he or she thinks they would be able to do. Perhaps based on their personality they are better at taking out the trash then putting clothes in the laundry. Are there other ways to better remember things such as using a calendar, alarms or apps?
If you can afford it, hire someone to clean your house, wash clothes or do meal prep.
If you want to ask the ADHD partner to do something, be sure you are looking at each other, or touch the person’s arm gently to be sure you have their attention.
There are a multitude of resources on ADHD, online and in your community.
If this is something I can help you with, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas
