An emotional bank account is something we all have in our relationships. Most likely we are not even aware of it. In our healthy relationships we tend to give and don’t give it another thought. However, if you are the only one giving, over time, you will become very aware of it.
Let me explain in more detail what this emotional bank account is all about. Whenever we do or say something nice to someone, this counts as a deposit. Laughing, having fun, emotionally connecting-we also consider these as deposits. You are most likely making deposits without even being aware of it.
On the flip side, if we are insulting, hurtful, or raise our voice, these are considered withdrawals. Basically whenever there is an argument, you are withdrawing from each other’s emotional bank accounts.
John Gottman says that in healthy romantic relationships there are 5 deposits for every 1 withdrawal. You might want to think about your own relationship, and how it stands up to that test. I always say that by the time people show up in my office for couples counseling that their bank accounts are overdrawn.
Ways to deposit into your partner’s emotional bank account
Compliment your partner
When you compliment them on their looks, their clothing or a job well done, it makes them feel good. It is easy to get out of the habit of doing this over time. Saying nice things will help keep your relationship alive. We all want to feel like our partner desires us.
Do them a favor
Is life overwhelming your partner? Perhaps work, school, family, or life in general is more demanding than usual. Taking something off their plate will make the person feel better. They will feel less stress and will appreciate what you have done for them.
Say thank you
When was the last time you said thank you to your partner for taking out the trash, going grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, doing the wash, or doing something for you? These are all things we need to do to keep a household running. It is far from fun or glamorous. I’m not suggesting that you thank the person for every little thing, just every so often.
Look for the win-win as a deposit in your emotional bank account
When we fight with our partner, it is important to realize that there are two valid perspectives. You are both right. I can’t remember who said this, but the message is you can be right or you can be happy.
When one person is right and the other is wrong, it can set the stage for resentment. The other person needs to be heard and respected. Try to find the compromise.
The 5 Love Languages
Chapman says that there are 5 ways to show love: acts of service, gift giving, words or affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. The notion is we all have a primary love language. We tend to show love in the same way we want to receive love. Most of the time our love language is different than our partners. If you take his quiz you can each find out your love language. Once you know your partners you will get a whole list of things you can do to make your partner feel love.
Withdrawals from the emotional bank account
Watch your tone
We all know our partner well enough to know if there is an increase in his or her tone. When you recognize a raise in tone, it is very easy to raise yours an octave higher. Once this occurs a healthy resolution will not happen.
According to Gottman, women are known for their ‘harsh startup’. As women, when we are upset we tend to barrel right in, vs. use a soft start up.
No passive-aggressive behavior
It is important to use a healthy communication style (assertive communication). The basic model for doing this is to start with an, ‘I’ statement. Second, state your feeling, and third state your positive need that is not being met.
Using passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communication will result in a withdrawal from your partner’s emotional bank account. If your needs are not being met, it is up to you to talk with your partner about it. Any other form of communication will lead to resentment and bitterness.
No tit for tat in the emotional bank account
This only results in withdrawals from both of your emotional bank accounts. Don’t get back at your partner for something they did to you. Don’t bring up the past and tell your partner they do the same thing that they are bringing up to you at the moment. Leave the past in the past, or you will never resolve what is currently going on.
In conclusion, no one tells you how difficult a long term relationship is. It takes constant work. Love is a choice and if you continue to nurture your relationship, it will grow.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, therapy can help. Give me a call at 712-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
