Harley states that there are 10 emotional needs in his book His Need Her Needs. These ten emotional needs are critical for having an affair proof marriage.
Anyone who has been married for a long time knows marriage is not easy. There is this story tale myth that we will all live happily ever after. No one tells you that to do so requires constant work. It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives that we forget we need to nurture our partner. We can’t sit back and think things will be fine for the rest of our lives.
Having a healthy marriage requires checking in and making sure that things are going well. We can’t stick our head in the sand and assume no news is good news. Some people are non confrontational, or afraid to express their feelings.
Below is a list of those ten emotional needs
What is also great in his book is that he has an emotional needs questionnaire where you can rate all of these needs. He asks you to rate how important the need is to you, how well your partner meets that need, and how you feel when it is or isn’t met.
Affection
This is referring to nonsexual things such as hugs, kisses, gifts, cards and items that show that your partner is thinking of you. It creates an atmosphere of love and care.
Sexual fulfillment
This means that you enjoy your sexual relationship, including the things you do sexually and the frequency of activity.
Intimate conversation
Having heart to heart talks would fall into this category. You feel safe to share personal things with your partner. One feels they can express their opinions and feelings freely.
Recreational companionship
How do you spend your free time? This refers to any hobbies you might have. Perhaps you play a sport together, have game night, exercise, bike, walk, etc. The list is endless. It can also involve other people.
Honesty and openness
Being truthful about positive and negative feelings. It is much easier to be open about positive feelings, although some people have trouble expressing even those. This also includes talking about the future and plans you have. This means no false impressions.
Physical attractiveness
This refers to how your spouse looks. Do you find them attractive? Obviously you did in the beginning. Are these traits still pretty much there? Or has one person let himself or herself go? Obviously age impacts everyone and this can’t be changed. Also remember that physical attractiveness can also have an emotional component to it.
Financial support
How much does your partner contribute monetarily to the household? Does your partner provide in a way that makes you feel your needs are met and are happy with this?
Domestic support
Do you get the amount of help around the house that you want? This means that there is an acceptable division of labor. Most people won’t be happy if they feel they are doing the brunt of the work. Some people may think that if they work outside the home and their partner stays at home with the children, that the stay at home parent should do all the cooking and cleaning. Many people don’t recognize that taking care of the kids can be a full time job in itself. It is easier to go to work than to stay at home with the kids.
Family commitment
This refers to providing the moral and educational needs of your children and family. It means that you are invested in the family and their needs.
Admiration
This refers to the feeling of respect. The other person feels that they bring value to you and that you appreciate them.
According to the author, some of these traits tend to be more male and some more female. Obviously this doesn’t mean that the reverse can’t hold true. We are all individuals with different needs.
Allegedly as long as your needs are being met in your marriage, the less likely you are to be vulnerable to an affair. Many of us don’t even realize what our needs are. If we meet someone who provides one of our needs, and our partner does not meet this need, it is easy to find the other person attractive.
It is important that you share your needs with your partner, especially if they aren’t being met. Our partner cannot read our mind. Most people want to meet the needs of their partner, but they may not know what it is. You can get a copy of this questionnaire in Harley’s book. It’s a great way to open up a conversation with your partner to check in and see how you are both doing meeting the needs of your partner.
I work with many couples and if you are struggling, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can work together to get your relationship to a place where you are both happy.
Take care,
Debbie
