Perhaps you grew up in a home where alcoholism was prevalent. If so, you fall into the category of adult children of alcoholics. You may be experiencing some problems in your own relationship that stems from your past. In these homes there is often chaos, and your parents can’t be there for you in the way you needed emotionally. They were too wrapped up in their own struggles.
Millions of people also fall in this category, so you are not alone. Because your parents could not be positive role models, you didn’t get the skills you needed to manage your emotions and navigate the world. Maybe you had too many responsibilities and had to cook for yourself and others. This is not to say that your parents are bad people, as they have their own struggles. In addition, it tends to run in families, so you might have a large family history of this.
The categories below come from New Dimensions Day Treatment Center.
11 traits of adult children of alcoholics
Trouble with control of impulses
Because your parents aren’t able to control their drinking, they also lack impulse control. Being able to control your impulses means you can eat, drink, shop, etc. in moderation. It also means being able to take your time to make a big decision, vs. jumping right in. So if you are someone who buys things and can’t afford them, overeat, gamble, drink or use substances, you have trouble controlling your impulses.
People pleaser
If you have trouble saying no to someone or are constantly seeking approval, you fall into this category. Usually people pleasers say yes to others even if they really don’t want to do something. They fear that if they say no, the other person won’t like them. You most likely have trouble forming healthy relationships. In healthy relationships people can say no to something and not worry that the relationship will end because of it.
Abandonment fears in adult children of alcoholics
Because your parents were not there for you in a way you needed you may fear people will leave you. Sometimes your parents were there for you, other times they weren’t. You could not count on them. This can lead to separation anxiety, or staying in unhealthy relationships.
Struggle in romantic relationships
Seeing an unhealthy relationship in action, with lots of chaos is confusing. As a result, you may not know how to be in a healthy relationship. You may become involved with someone else who is an alcoholic. You may think you can help/fix someone else because you couldn’t do that at home. We often marry someone who in some way, shape or form recreates our family of origin dynamics. This means you might marry an alcoholic, or fall for someone who is not emotionally available.
Trouble connecting with others
Because you couldn’t truly connect with your parents, you may lack the skills to connect with others. You couldn’t always trust that your caregivers would be there for you, thus you lack the ability to trust others. This is a form of self-protection.
Feel like a victim
Some adult children of alcoholics feel that they are victims, or not good enough. They don’t feel as if they deserve much and may be willing to take a low paying job, or feel powerless to make positive change. You may beat yourself up and have negative thinking patterns.
Anxiety
Adult children of alcoholics often have high anxiety. This certainly makes sense as their home life was chaotic. They may have had to walk on eggshells as they didn’t know what they’d find when they got home from school. Interestingly many alcoholics use drinking as a way to control their anxiety, so you may also have a family history of it.
Difficulty with change
Stability is so important growing up. It makes us feel safe in the world as it offers some predictability. Those in alcoholic family systems lack stability. This may make the child feel unsafe. Any life change may throw them off kilter.
Inner critic
Some children blame themselves for their family dysfunction. They may think that if their parent loves them enough they would stop drinking. Perhaps the alcoholic was abusive and called you names, leading you to believe the things that were said. You may have a negative voice running through your head at all times.
Perfectionist
Adult children of alcoholics may feel they have to be perfect. They may act this way to prevent their parents from having any additional stress. They may try to be perfect to get their parents to notice them. Perhaps they are this way so their parents won’t get angry with them. It may also make the child feel inadequate because they don’t get noticed at home. No one can be perfect all the time and this could lead to additional anxiety or depression.
Adult children of alcoholics may not seek out help
They may not know that help exists, may not feel they are deserving of it, or feel they are weak if they get help. There are all sorts of place to get help. Therapy is one of them. Another great resource is Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.
Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help you out.
Take care,
Debbie
