How are your boundaries? If you feel that people tend to take advantage of you, or don’t listen you may need to work on them. Another sign that your boundaries are not where they should be is if you have trouble saying no. Maybe you fear people won’t like you if you say no. Maybe you are a people pleaser. You say yes just to make others happy, even if that isn’t what you really want to do.

What happens if you don’t set boundaries?

If you don’t set boundaries you will lose your sense of self. You don’t know who you are or what you like. Boundaries are there to protect you and no one else. This is how you teach people to treat you. Some people will not like it if you set them. People like you the way you are. They don’t like change.

How boundaries in families work

In our families of origin, we all know how the family system operates. Some of these expectations are spoken aloud. Many of them are just understood from watching family dynamics. These boundaries can be functional or dysfunctional. If you are part of a dysfunctional family system (who isn’t?) then if you try to set healthy boundaries people will not like it. The reason being is that family systems work like well-greased wheels. Everyone knows how you and others will act and react. Now if you change those boundaries you throw the system off kilter. What was once well-greased wheels are now grinding, rusty wheels that make people uncomfortable.

I can tell you what will most likely happen. You will set that boundary and someone who doesn’t like it will exhibit some type of escalating behavior. They will try to push you to do what you have always done, or may try to manipulate you by saying things like, “You don’t love me anymore”, or “after all I’ve done for you, you won’t do this for me?”

Stand your ground here. What we know about human behavior is that it all has a function. So if the person is giving you a hard time about your boundary and you stay firm, their escalating behavior will stop. However, if you give in when they escalate, what do you think happens? You have now taught them that all they need to do is to get angry or throw a fit and they can get what they want.

Impact of setting boundaries

Guess what, you may lose a few friendships. But these are the people who are toxic to begin with. These toxic people tear down your self-esteem. You do not need them in your life. There are other people out there who will respect your boundaries. Now if some of these people are family members, you may have to limit your interaction with them. In some cases, it may not be possible to maintain any type of relationship.

Do you know how to set boundaries? Maybe you don’t even know how to begin.

Signs you need to work on boundaries

People expect you to do things for them whenever they ask

If someone asks you to do something for him or her, do it if it works with your schedule. You do not need to be at anyone’s beck and call. You also have a life and your time is valuable. If you want to do what they are asking, determine a time that is convenient for you. If it needs to be done immediately and you don’t have time, they can ask someone else to help them.

You aren’t honest with others about the way you feel

There are people who are toxic. They make you feel bad about yourself, yet for some reason you keep them in your life. Maybe you are happy that they pay attention to you. After you spend time with them you feel worse. This erodes your sense of self-esteem. Is it really worth it?

People who make you feel guilty if you say no

You have the right to say no to someone. That is the reason they are asking you. Don’t let anyone coerce you to do anything you do not want to do. If you get forced to do something you will only feel resentful. You have made the other person happy and sacrificed yourself in the process.

If you do things for people and then feel resentful afterwards

This is a big clue that you have done something you didn’t want to do. Maybe you realized it when the person asked you, maybe you didn’t realize it until later. That is OK. There is no need for you to beat yourself up about it. Use it as a learning experience and do something different next time.

When someone asks you to do something for you, ask yourself if you have time to do it and want to do it. Some people won’t do what they need for themselves. They put everyone else first. Guess what? If you continue to do that, no one will respect your time. In reciprocal relationships, there is a give and take. I help you and you help me.

Anger

This is one step further than resentment. Maybe you find yourself getting angry with someone who keeps asking you to do something. Maybe you know you don’t want to do it and feel resentful just for being asked. People will go to the person who they will get the least amount of resistance from. So if this is you, you might be angry. Maybe you stuff it down, but it seeps out. Maybe you take it for a while and then it explodes. People may have no idea why you are angry if you don’t express yourself and set boundaries.

Next week’s blog will focus on areas in your life where you need to set boundaries.

If this is something I can help you out with, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie