Gary Chapman says that being able to apologize is a sign of strength. Some people consider it a weakness, but nothing can be farther from the truth. I can’t tell you how many couples and individuals that I have worked with who find it difficult to apologize. Of course we all think we are right when we argue. If we didn’t there wouldn’t be an argument. We think it should be obvious that there is only one way to look at the situation and can’t our partner see that? However our partner feels the same way, and our opinions are quite different.
There are several reasons that we differ. One is that our thoughts, feelings and opinions are based on our life experiences. No two people experience life the same way, even if they grew up in the same household. Our perceptions are different, and our perception is our reality. We grew up in a different home than our partner, and often times we think our families’ way is the best way. However, there are many different ways to do things, and they are all right. Another thing to consider is that as males and females we are socialized differently. Certain feelings are more sociably acceptable for males (anger, aggression), and others for females (anxiety, depression, and all feelings other than anger and aggression). In addition our brains are wired differently. So this all sets us up for different belief systems. Again, they are all right.
The important thing to remember is that is that we need to respect the opinion of our partner. This may mean that we need to apologize for something we have said or done that hurt our partner’s feelings. Some couples don’t talk for days after an argument. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be emotionally, to live with someone and ignore them or just give brief, necessary answers. It sounds miserable. Surely a few simple words would be easier.
It actually is an act of courage to admit that you are sorry. It can be scary, and an emotional risk. However, if you do so, you will break the ice and things will thaw. Often times if you apologize for your part in the conflict, your partner will too (no guarantees though), and then you can work on resolving your conflict. We each need to accept responsibility for our piece in the argument.
I always say if one person wins an argument-you both lose. The reason being that the person who supposedly lost will harbor resentment, which is not good for a relationship. Realistically if we have conflict with our partner, we both need to apologize, as we each played a piece in it. Conflict can’t happen with one person alone.
Take care,
Debbie
