Forgiveness is important in any relationship, whether it is your partner, friend or family member. Forgiveness can mean different things to different people. This is the next step after apologies have been made. In doing so, we are able to move past the hurt that the other person has caused us.
Forgiveness is more for your benefit than the person you are forgiving. When you continue to hold on to your anger or resentment, you are only hurting yourself. You may be in more pain physically and emotionally than the person needing forgiveness. I heard a quote once that really stuck with me. It was that resentment is like drinking battery acid and expecting the other person’s stomach to burn. I had such a visceral reaction when I heard this. This really speaks to the need to forgive the other person for your benefit. Holding on to negative feelings will only make you feel worse.
Forgiveness does not mean that you forget what has transpired. We don’t forget our past memories. We may remember the pain of the past experience. Hopefully we will learn from the experience.
It doesn’t mean there are no consequences, especially if someone is physically hurt or something has been stolen. It doesn’t mean the person can continue the behavior. It also doesn’t mean that you need to stay in the relationship.
Forgiveness does not mean that you trust the person again. Trust is a separate process. If someone has have betrayed you in some way, it may take time to trust them again. Forgiveness opens the door up for the trust process. If we do not forgive our partner, a wall remains in our relationship.
In order to forgive, it is important to acknowledge that you have been hurt and to let the other person know this, but in a way that will not put the other person on the defensive. Sometimes it helps to write the person a letter expressing your hurt and pain. You can choose to give the person the letter or not. Try to understand the other person’s perspective and why they did what they did.
The next step would be to try to allow compassion to replace the anger. It may help to remember a time where you needed someone else’s forgiveness, as we have all done things knowingly or unknowingly that have hurt the one’s we love. Forgiveness helps us to feel more connected to that person and can deepen the relationship.
Take care,
Debbie
