Division of chores is another aspect that can get couples into trouble. Who did the chores when you grew up? Did one parent do more than the other? Did one parent do all of the chores, and the other person expected to be waited on hand and foot? Were there certain chores that only the boys or only the girls did? Were you expected to do any chores? These dynamics will affect your expectations of who does what when it comes to chores. This is one aspect that many people don’t consider when getting married or cohabitating. Most people just consider how you get along in your day-to-day relationship.
Education can also affect the expectations of who does what. If one of you is a feminist or conservative, your gender role expectations will be impacted. Are some chores considered masculine and others feminine? If so, and you’re male, are you okay doing something considered feminine. If you are female, are you okay doing chores that are considered masculine? Chores are an aspect of life that just isn’t fun or romantic. Yet these are things that need to be done on a regular basis.
How will the division of labor be broken up if one-person works and the other is a stay at home parent vs. if both people work? Perhaps one or both of you had parents that hired someone else to do the cleaning. How will you handle it if one of you wants to get a housekeeper and the other doesn’t? One person may not want to pay someone when he or she can do it himself. The other person may think their time is precious and not want to spend it doing housework.
Chapman has a wonderful exercise he does with his couples. He asks each partner to make a list of the chores their mom’s did and the chores their dad’s did. Then he has them compare the lists, first to see where there were similarities and differences. This then opens the door for a discussion to see if they want to do things the same as their parents or negotiate their own model for chores.
Something else to consider, is what are you good at, or is there actually a chore you enjoy doing, or wouldn’t mind doing? Perhaps you find running the vacuum cleaner to be soothing or like meditation, so you would be happy to take on that role. Is there a specific chore you hate, and if so, is your partner willing to do it? If both of you hate the chore, how will you decide who will do it? Having a discussion on this topic prior to cohabitating will save you some frustration once you do live together. Just remember, you can always negotiate the chores as time goes on.
Take care,
Debbie
