We learn how to attach to others through our primary caregivers. These are formed based on the relationship we have with them. There are 4 different attachment styles that shape our emotions and behaviors, based on how our parents care for us, or neglect us. These also determine how we will respond/react to others throughout our life, especially in romantic relationships.
Attachment styles
Secure
With secure attachment we learn that our parents will be there for us when we need them. They keep us warm, dry, fed and housed. They are consistently there for us and our needs are met. We felt safe and nurtured. This teaches us to trust others and form healthy bonds.
Traits
Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-esteem. They can trust others. In addition they are comfortable with intimacy and independence. Communication and managing conflict in a healthy manner is also characteristic of secure attachment.
How it plays out in relationships
Those with secure attachment tend to make the ideal couple. They form safe, loving and stable bonds. They don’t feel a sense of abandonment or suffocation, as they each have a sense of healthy independence.
Anxious
If someone grows up with caregivers who do not respond consistently the child becomes anxious as they don’t know if or when their needs will be met. They crave closeness and need reassurance about the relationship.
Traits
They fear abandonment. As a result they need reassurance that everything is OK. Those with anxious attachment have trouble managing their anxiety and are emotionally reactive.
How it plays out in relationships
Because they are anxiously attached, they come across as needy and dependent. They are highly sensitive to rejection, which can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication. As a result it is difficult for them to trust others. They might interpret neutral actions as a sign of rejection.
Avoidant attachment
This type of attachment occurs when the caregivers are dismissive of the child’s needs. They focus too much on independence and don’t soothe the child emotionally. The child is left alone to do this on his/her own. Thus the child prefers autonomy vs. connecting with others.
Traits
They are not comfortable with intimacy or being vulnerable with others.
Avoidance of conflict and suppressing emotions is characteristic of this attachment style.
They prefer to be independent and do things on their own.
How it plays out in relationships
These people may come off as being emotionally distant or not invested in their relationship.
They don’t express their feelings, which can be frustrating to their partner who wants to be emotionally close. In addition, they don’t want to rely on others. They can do it on their own.
If this person pairs with someone who has an anxious attachment style, it can create a lot of conflict.
Fearful-avoidant attachment (disorganized)
With this attachment style the child grows up in a home where the parents are neglectful and frightening. These kids crave connection yet are afraid of it.
Traits
The person goes from clingy to avoiding the other person.
They have trouble with their emotions and don’t know if they can be trusted. There is a lot of fear and anxiety in their relationships.
How this plays out in relationships
These people have a lot of internal conflict. They want to be close yet are afraid to be vulnerable. As a result the relationships are in turmoil. They tend to be unstable and chaotic. As a result it can be difficult to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Unless they get help, they don’t have any self-awareness as to what is going on.
What happens when different styles pair up?
Anxious with avoidant
This is very challenging. The anxious person wants to be close and pursues their partner. On the flip side the avoidant person withdraws when the pursuer gets too close. As a result there is a lot of frustration since neither person gets their needs met.
Secure and insecure (anxious, avoidant or fearful)
The secure partner can provide the stability needed for an anxious or avoidant person. This can help decrease their insecurities. As a result the insecure person may become healthier in the relationship over time. They learn that they can trust their partner.
Insecure with insecure
When this occurs they both have unhealthy relationship patterns that create serious challenges. If someone is anxious and needs reassurance they can push the avoidant partner away. When the avoidant person pulls away the anxious one becomes more insecure and may fear abandonment.
If you recognize that you fall into the insecure attachment category, don’t worry. These attachment styles can change over time. You can learn healthier styles of interacting with others.
Things that can help include therapy, practicing mindfulness, becoming aware of the things that trigger you, working on communication and having a supportive partner.
Learning about attachment styles can help you better understand yourself and where you came from. It also helps to know about your partner’s upbringing and attachment style. As a result you will be build emotional intimacy and connection over time.
If this is something you struggle with, give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
